Kale Chips and Death. A Novella.

Ok I was told that I am on Facebook wayyyy too much and that it has become laughable at this point (can you hear my eyes rolling at you Drew?) so anyway, it occurred to me…..I have a lot of meaningless thoughts to purge that are in no way relevant to the book I’ve been working on, so I should blog. Blogging is an outlet for me and my poor grammar – so scoot along if you are here to critique.

There are many reasons I have a phobia about going to the doctor:
A. They judge my poor life choices with diet and exercise and steal my joy.

B. They weigh me.

C. They have needles and sometimes poke me with them. Ew.

D. They might tell me that my poor life choices have resulted in my untimely demise.

E. They weigh me.

So as you can see, I have several very valid reasons why I have not gone to the doctor to get a checkup on some nuisances going on in my tummy for a while. Besides, who needs to go to the doctor when you have WebMD Symptom Checker?? I simply input my symptoms and bam! I could potentially have anything from an ingrown toenail to stage 4 cancer!

So, as a reasonably educated woman, I have employed my own sort of 'scratch off' list as I have explored a few options over the past year few weeks. A process of elimination, if you will, because I have felt fairly confident that I can self diagnose & treat myself with the best of them.

I have ignored the problem until it should have gone away...

which has been working great...until it comes back a few minutes later.

I have treated my symptoms as instructed by the internet’s finest professionals.

You'll want lots of toilet paper and nearby restrooms for this option.

I have tried to change my diet and exercise habits. Which would probably work a lot better if you avoid EVERYTHING YOU HOLD DEAR.

I actually have been in this phase for a while. Plus a little Red Wine.

I could go to the doctor. Clearly my last option has not yet been exercised for reasons already stated.

So as I sit here...snacking on Kale Chips, drinking hot water infused with Apple Cider Vinegar & Lemon juice whilst trying not to gag, and shoveling Red Hots in my mouth...because I'm all about BALANCE....I am gradually coming to terms with the fact that maybe it's time I go to the doctor...even if I have to get weighed though it goes against everything I believe in. I mean, seriously, I should be able to cure any ailments I have just by eating these nasty Kale Chips! It's basically the same thing as working out with the added benefit of having super healthy green stuff stuck in your teeth to enjoy later!

Ok. I am done whining.