Keep Your Hand At The Level Of Your Eyes!

There are some things in life that you just don’t see coming….but the zits that have taken up residence right in between my eyeballs can be seen clearly from miles and miles away!!

It’s a bird….It’s a plane….it’s… Lindsay the Cyclops!

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Do not run children! I will not eat you! The Seeing Eye is filled with love! (And pus).

It’s not like I’m an extremely vain person, but my body has obviously forgotten which stage of puberty I am supposed to be in. I am 38 years old!! I should be getting chemical peels, microdermabrasion treatments and filling my wrinkles up with Botox, not raiding my local zit cabinet!

I guess it’s time for me to face the facts that because I didn’t have hideous breakouts as a teenager, it’s my turn now... as an adult. I really have no qualms using OXY, or layering on that weird yellow camouflage correction goo that makes my zits look less like zits and more like abnormal growths…(by the way -NEVER google images of abnormal facial growths. Like ever.) anyway - having a third eyeball really changes a person. It’s just insulting!

I have to be seen in public….at work….with people!! I’m a professional, dammit! *Everyone* knows that professionals with 3 eyes are not taken near as seriously as their 2 eyed brethren.

My poor coworkers don’t know what to do when they talk to me. They shift their focus back and forth between my 3 eyes, not sure where to look

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Then pretend not to notice as they gaze with ultra-intense eye contact because fear blinking and accidentally catching a glimpse of it

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Finally they end up just avoiding direct eye contact altogether and look intently at their papers, the floor or the walls!

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I feel like I should grab a Phantom of the Opera mask and shout out, “KEEP YOUR HAND AT THE LEVEL OF YOUR EYES!” as they walk through the hallways towards my office!

*Unrelated Side note: Gerard makes that mask look trendy ;)

So here I am...contemplating life while I consider sitting on my hands to keep me from popping my pimples, and all I really have left to say is that these zits are keeping me young! You guys can all go purchase your anti-wrinkle serums....if you need me - I'll be on the acne aisle where the party *really* is. And I really really do bathe, I promise.

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Peezing. It's not just your Granny's problem anymore.

Today on the blog I want to discuss a subject that’s very near and dear to my heart….or should I say my lady parts. (Sorry….heart and parts rhymed so I had to go with it).

Before I go any further I want you to understand that this is a topic that affects all ladies at some point in their vaginal journey. Don’t let any of us tell you otherwise, because if a lady lies and says that she does not deal with this issue, she will activate an ancient curse that will directly impact her vagina and the vaginas of all the females in her bloodline! I’m not even lying. Ok – maybe I am…..it’s really just a hunch….no one has ever really tested this theory because EW.

Ladies spend a lot of time doing things that make us feel good about ourselves. We get routine manicures & pedicures, spend lots of money having our hair cut & highlighted, buy expensive perfumes, take lots of bubble baths & apply creamy lotions to make our skin feel its softest, shave or wax away all of our body hair so we feel less mammal-y, we have an intense regimen of makeup and lip gloss application before anyone is allowed to see what we really look like, and we wear clothes that we hope will make us look like Christie Brinkley from Vacation professional. I mean we really go through a lot of trouble to be the foxy ladies we are.

Which is why it’s an absolute insult that our bodies turn against us when we sneeze.

This morning after I showered, put on my lotion & makeup, fixed my hair, got dressed for work & squirted a few sprays of my favorite perfume – I PEEZED, while I was standing in the bathroom, looking all fresh

in the middle of a conversation with my husband. What, pray tell, is a peeze? A peeze is when you let out a little (or a lot) of pee whilst sneezing….and it doesn’t even require a full bladder!! So the hubby saw the funny look that crossed my face and asked me if he said something that made me mad...and I had to be honest and tell him that I wasn’t even listening to him because I just pissed my pants.

I am not sure if he believed me at first, but he could tell by the dismal look on my face that he should turn around and leave me with my dignity as I changed my outfit. I’m guessing life as a peezer is going to require lots of laundry soap and backup outfits. Really.

But really??? Dammit, I do my Kegels!! *Shakes fist* I didn’t even squeeze any babies out of that area – so what the hell, V?? When did you pick up this new trick??

As if we ladies don’t have enough to deal with already!! We have periods, cramps, babies that either get cut out of our bodies or squeezed through our tiny little holes….and NOW we have to also deal with the threat of unleashing Tropical Storms in our panties every time we sneeze!? Seriously? Bless our hearts!!

So I did a little homework on this subject – and it turns out the google scholars call it INCONTINENCE and it happens after we have babies or as we age. I don’t know if I agree with that term since I don’t go around peeing on myself all the time or with every sneeze. Peezing takes us by surprise & happens randomly - so I’m sticking with the term PEEZE.

So WHY am I peezing? Am I not doing my Kegels correctly??

How will I cope with this new development during allergy season?? Should I start wearing the “GoGirl” every Spring??

Should I add ‘Depends’ to the grocery budget?

Should I run to the bathroom and sit on the potty every time I feel the urge to sneeze?

Should I pack myself a diaper bag every day?

I challenge the experienced peezers everywhere to enlighten us with your strategies. Help a peezer out, here!

Sincerely, a concerned peezer who is currently performing very rapid and aggressive Kegels.