BACK TO SCHOOL BLUES!

The beginning of a new school year always stirs up so many mixed emotions!

On the one hand, we want to drink mimosa’s to celebrate the kids going back to a regular schedule so we can save money on overpriced summer camps or vacations, and so that they will not be home all day tearing up the house, complaining about being bored and eating all of the groceries.

But on the other hand, the reality of what the school year actually brings begins to set in.
Once we step away from that mimosa, we realize that on top of our full time jobs and normal parental responsibilities, we must now adhere to the obnoxious schedules of 3 kids who will need to be toted around to extracurricular activities where everything begins while you are still at work and either ends in the evenings when you *just* get home and are trying to make dinner, or even later after you have reached wine and bath time…and when they do finally get home, they still have piles of incomplete homework sitting on the counter waiting for them because they didn’t understand how to do it…which will inevitably lead to them asking for help, only to end up with them asking if we actually did in fact- graduate high school when we are unable to provide any assistance with their homework. Then we try and redeem ourselves a little by posting the harder questions on Facebook in hopes that one of our teacher friends will bail us out so we can help our kid…..but then start to feel weird about posting additional questions because it’s almost embarrassing when realized that we need help on like…..every single question. Not that this has happened to me…..A lot.

The poor kids will mourn the end of the summertime for months because it is basically the end of their lives as they know it…..at least until the holidays roll around. They are dreading the massive amounts of homework, mean teachers who blame everything on them when clearly they never do *anything* wrong, hard tests that they aren’t prepared for because obviously the teacher forgot to teach them the material while they were paying such great attention in class and not goofing off at all, and then they get to look forward to the nasty cafeteria food menu because mom forgets to pack their lunch….often. So they finish off the school day tired and malnourished but have to run on fumes and whatever trans-fats can be purchased out of the vending machine, if there is a vending machine, to get them through the end of practice and hope that mom made a killer dinner – only to come home to leftover spaghetti from last night because mom is trying to poison them.

Ah, the joy of back to school!! Picture Day is truly the best part about it for me.
When I look back on each year – I don’t remember the stress of what might have been happening at the moment, or the fights I had with my kids about what they should wear, or how mad my girls got at how I fixed their hair….or that my son looks like he is naked and on crack in his swim meet picture….or that he got into trouble by his daddy for making a silly face in his wrestling picture….and that copies of these pictures went to every person on the team and still hang on the walls of the establishments for all to see.

I don't normally post pictures of my kids, but I'll make an exception for this. Go ahead....see if you can pick my son out....

All I remember when looking at back on my children's school pictures is how fast they are growing and how important it is to enjoy this time with them because it will be over before we know it.
Even if we run ourselves ragged this year...remember how blessed we are and that it is all totally worth it!

Here’s to 2016-2017!!!

TAKE THE DEFINITION OF BEAUTY OUT OF THE BOX

Society’s standard of beauty has changed dramatically over the past 50 years, and I have to say that it hasn’t been for the better. The idea that all women need to be stick thin with killer abs and huge (most likely fake) perky boobs in order to be considered beautiful is kinda fucked up completely unrealistic. A healthy weight should be the overall goal for anyone to strive towards.

So there I was...sweating my butt off, bending my body in unnatural ways....throwing mind daggers at my new fitness trainer....about to faint....about to vomit...really wanting a glass of wine even though I knew it would totally undo all of my efforts, when it occurred to me...why am I putting myself through this??! I looked around the room and saw all different body types in the same state of disgust and I wondered is this really even good for us? Do we want to lift weights till we vomit and faint? Will that really make us healthier? Maybe. Will I go back again? Most Likely. But my point is why? What is the point of all this? Beauty? Acceptance? Sadomasochistic Tendencies? Or am I trying to be healthy and fit? I'll get back to you when I have an answer! LOL!

Back in the Renaissance days….a curvier woman was highly sought after because they were considered healthy, rich and fertile. If you were too thin, you were basically written off as a sickly barren peasant that would end up all alone with a serious case of cankle envy. Why? Because all the men were hot and bothered by the larger ladies due to her birth giving hips, healthy body and scrumptious pocket book!

Haha –looking at the picture above I can totally imagine what the guys on the dating scene back then were saying, “Ohhh check out the hottie with the big hips devouring that turkey leg….she’ll give me many strong sons. Give me another turkey leg and a bottle of wine so I can lure this juicy fox into my bed”.

The early 1900’s liked a curvy woman as well….although that waist cincher is a little whack so don’t be feeding this one any turkey legs…or food in general. She looks like she could toss her cookies at any moment.

Even Marilyn Monroe was a bustier, curvy woman that is still an icon and considered one of the most beautiful women of all time! Just look at those curves....she was a babe!

So what the hell happened?? When did the world decide that it was no longer okay to be voluptuous and curvy? When did the hourglass figured average sized woman get marked with the label of 'fat and undesirable'?

When did skinny become the targeted desired body type for all women?

I honestly blame Twiggy.

She was so stinkin’ cute & let’s face it….. skinny looked great on her...in a fun cute little teenager body kind of way - but not as a prototype that all women should strive towards. Not everyone can pull the skinny-sexy look off!!
For real though…. can someone please go back in time and give Twiggy a cookie??
At some point beauty standards swapped places with the skinny girls from Renaissance times!! Those skinny girls must have been reincarnated into current times and are retaliating and giving the larger ladies a dose of their own medicine!! Now extra weight is no longer a sign of wealth…..it’s a sign that you can’t afford to ‘eat clean’ or hire a personal trainer!

When will the world begin to realize that all women are built differently and shouldn’t be held to the same standards of size or beauty?

We are currently living in an age of insecurity where eating disorders are trendy, depression is rampant, plastic surgery is commonplace and self-worth is based purely on physical beauty.

I have friends of all shapes and sizes and not one of them is 100% happy or satisfied with the way that they look. They are constantly comparing themselves against celebrities or photo shopped fake images of ‘perfection’ on the Internet and in popular magazines.

Even actresses have to be seriously thin in order to be considered beautiful, sexy and perfect or they have to play the funny fat girl in a comedy series or movie…..because in Hollywood if you’re fat you better be fucking hilarious if you actually want to get a job.
God forbid they get captured at a bad angle or on the beach with a little extra junk in the trunk because the next morning they will either be rumored to be pregnant or have their left ass cheek blown up on a tabloid with the title "YOU'LL NEVER GUESS WHICH CELEBRITY HAS CELLULITE!"

I mean, really?? Good grief.

The body shaming that women have to endure is ridiculous. But what bugs me the most is that not only is this trend affecting fully grown women, it’s also poisoning girls of young and impressionable ages against their own bodies. I have heard stories of young girls that have absolutely no weight problems walking around making themselves vomit or starving themselves because they think they are fat or even self mutilating themselves because they have a distorted self image of their body...maybe it is because of bullying or maybe it's what they see on social media....who knows - but it's sad!

Even grown women are having multiple plastic surgeries to be prettier, having dangerous lap band surgeries to help them lose weight, and liposuctions / tummy tucks are very common. We live in a very vain society where we seek these things out to help us feel better about the way we look.

Is it wrong? No- of course not... there is nothing wrong with doing something that will make you feel better about yourself...but my point is that we should not base our self worth or beauty on physical appearance!

Beauty will fade!
We will all eventually get old and wrinkly - and if our self value is based purely on physical beauty - then we will be seriously pathetic and sad lil old ladies one day.
It totally sickens me to see how people treat one another...women making comments about other women or men making cruel derogatory comments about a woman whose shape and size doesn't meet the industry standard of perfection. Even if the person is unhealthy... there is never a good excuse to embarrass someone or make loud comments that they can hear when you are out and about. Yes I have seen that happen before!
I seriously hope the karma bus comes for bullies and deposits lots of high calorie processed refined sugary treats directly into your ass because you totally deserve it. It is one thing to have your own views of beauty... but it is another thing entirely to actively bully, body shame and insult another human being.
Enough is Enough!

Can we please usher society into a trend of love and acceptance...where ladies can strive to be healthy and fit without ridicule and the added pressure of fitting into size zero jeans, having an amazing six pack and a huge pair of fake boobs?

No one is built the same and we weren't meant to be! Besides....the world is far more interesting a place when there is a lot of variety! Just ask the Dove ladies!

Ok- I know what you are thinking. Someone must have made fun of me or I am feeling fat today....but that is actually not the case at all. I am just a normal woman and mother who is fed up with a seriously superficial world. And maybe I am cranky and sore from the crazy strength and conditioning workout classes I've been taking. Or maybe I want to be able to drink 3 glasses of wine and flaunt my wine bloated bootay out and about without feeling weird about wearing my couch yoga pants. Heehee....ok I never feel weird about my wine pants, who am I kidding!

It really doesn't matter what motivated me to write this blog.....I just want to say that everyone needs to work on their inner beauty too....even if you are the most heavenly creature that anyone has ever laid eyes upon.... as a society, we need to quit being so mean and judgemental of each other! Life is not only about the way we look on the outside. Be good to each other. XXOO

So a Yorkie, a Cocker Spaniel, a Husky & a Shi Tzu Walk into a Bar….. (not really)

*Disclaimer*
Before we continue, I feel like I need to let you all in on a little secret. All of my animal lover friends are in for a total shock so #hideyokidshideyerwife and for the love of God don’t tell Rob Thomas because I’ll deny it…right after I purple your nurple. So here goes – (insert drumroll) I don’t like dogs. Ugh! There I said it!
I am and have always been a cat person!!
Every time your dog puts its cold lil nose on my leg…thousands of my eggs drop dead instantly. When your dog wants to play fetch…I want to throw the toy or stick in front of a car another dog lover who equally loves the game of fetch. Sure, I’ll pet your dog and play nice – but you should know that each time I do that a homeless kitten dies. Besides, I don’t even want to pet *my* dogs.
So I ask you this….. how in the *hell* did I end up with 4 dogs??!

Well it all started when my husband got the hankering to buy our borderline teacup sized yorkie, Chloe, because the breed doesn’t shed, are easy to clean up after and will forever look like a puppy.

And all of that is true....except for the part about being easy to clean up after. There ain't no mountain high enough, ain't no valley low enough, ain't no river wide enough to keep her from peeing on the floor. That's right. Miss Chloe is a VIOLATOR! She doesn't know who you are or where you are from but she will find you and she will pee on you.

Chloe is well aware of what she is doing too. She is a very smart sneaky girl. She knows full well that peeing anywhere and everywhere is frowned upon in Stroudia but she doesn't have any fucks left to give and if we don't like it, we can eat her poo.... cuz there is plenty of that to go around as well!

Speaking of smarts....let me tell you about doggie #2, Sampson. After binge watching Lady in the Tramp and drinking large amounts of wine, I had convinced myself that a cocker spaniel would open me up to a heightened since of doggie love awareness...and let's face it - there are not many things in life cuter than a chubby cocker spaniel puppy.

But then they grow up. And you find out that he was a product of inbreeding and has no actual living brain cells. I know it sounds really mean but this poor baby boy hasn't got the sense God gave a goose. He runs sideways, pees and poops whenever the feeling hits him AND pops an erection every time you pet him. Every. Damn. Time.
But I can overlook his stupidity, make him an outside dog and avoid the lipstick because ew... what I cannot handle is that he likes to eat fabric, which includes but is not limited to a high dollar pair of pants I recently purchased AND he LOVES to eat the crotch out of any and all panties within his reach!! *Gasp* Can you believe it?! Also when anyone has food and puts their hands down just right....he will snatch whatever you are eating and make it his bitch. Sampson is a VIOLATOR!

But he doesn't know it because he can't think. Bless his heart....at least he's cute.

Our 3rd dog, Honey is basically a cat. I'm not even kidding. Look.

Not a good shot? Here is a close up.

You know you're a cat when you have your own matching cat underwear.

I love my cat.
Ok Honey is not a cat. I know. But she basically is. Honey is the most laid back dog that I have ever seen in my life!! She is even too laid back to go to the bathroom outside.....so as much as it pains me to say....Honey is a VIOLATOR. (And she eats Chloe's poop). Ew. Sorry Honey....this hurts me worse than it hurts you.

LAST BUT NOT LEAST!! Meet our 4th dog, the Husky Makita!

Hands down the smartest dog we have ever had. AND She's potty trained!!! (Probably because we weren't responsible for the training. Oops.) We adopted Makita after one of our friends died tragically in a car accident. Makita is beautiful, smart and doesn't pee on my floors. That makes her almost perfect. ALMOST. Makita has some doggie sociopathic tendencies. She likes to pick fights with the other dogs, eat all of their food and use her size to intimidate them. She is seriously like a Giant compared to the other dogs. Makita also has a wild streak and we can't let her out ever because she is wicked fast and you can't catch her. But all of that is one thing. Holy mother of SHEDDING!!!! I'm talking hair the size of small cities floating in the air, the floor, your food, your clothes, your mouth (no really...that just happened), your bubble baths, your buttcrack (that also happened...to...a friend)....EVERYWHERE !! Makita...you are a VIOLATOR.

OK so my fingers hurts and wine calls!!!! TTFN. XOXO BTW - if you read this.....all of it (i know it's long but dang I have 4 dogs!!)....feel free to comment below!!!