Roach Lives Matter. NOT.

Warning: I’ve included nasty gross pictures in this blog. If you, or anyone you love, is a roach sympathizer….you should turn away now and run!!!! (Or just keep scrolling).

So there I was, minding my own business and taking advantage of the precious few minutes I had to myself before needing to leave and pick my daughter up from Drill Team camp, so I thought I’d straighten up my atrocious almost spotless kitchen. The house was really relaxing and quiet as I listened to the rain fall gently outside and reflected on the ever growing pile of laundry and an amazing amount of Husky hair that was in desperate need of vacuuming my clean home.

And then it happened. I innocently reached up to put a container of sea salt away in the cabinet above the microwave and to my surprise – I saw a nasty HUGE gross disgusting roach making love to a bottle of Madagascar Vanilla!!! OMG!!! The roach didn’t seem to take notice of my presence, despite my horrific gasp and blood curling scream….and in all honesty I can totally understand why because it really is some pretty tasty vanilla.

Now if you don’t know about Texas roaches, allow me to enlighten you. They fly. That’s right! THEY. FLY. !!!!! It’s an abomination! It goes against nature and everything else I believe in! These revolting little creatures are the Devil’s messengers and I had to take it out and before it flew off to other spices in my cabinet! That lil tidbit should make it a lot easier for you to stomach the rest of this story.

So after I scream, I back away slowly after spending way too much time watching this thing gettin’ down and dirty with MY precious vanilla bottle. I was still facing them, squatting carefully and not breaking eye contact - while trying to find some bug spray under the sink with my peripheral vision.

I was actually quite impressed with my squat – thanks to my new strength training class – and was feeling a little James Bond-y as I grabbed the Roach spray and proceeded on with my mission. I was so thankful that the roach was completely oblivious to what was going on around him as I made my move. I slowly lifted the can of roach spray and unleashed fury!! I screamed and laughed and sprayed like my life depended on it!
GRAPHIC CRIME SCENE PICTURES BELOW:

I know what you are thinking. What a poor little roach … just minding his own business and then gets wrongly sprayed down and killed. Well you’re right…..about everything except the killed part!! He didn’t die!! That sucker took flight after being doused in pounds of HotShot and came right at me!!!! I screamed….and ran…and swatted and sprayed and screamed some more….and then I realized that I lost him!!!
Was he alive? Was he dead? Was my roach spray expired? Good grief the possibilities were endless!! The only thing I knew was that I would not step on it if I saw it because I just can’t handle the crunch sound, so I knew that if my spray was no good, I was a goner. This thing had a thirst for blood!! And vanilla.
I snuck around the corner and scouted out the area very carefully….making sure I didn’t slip in any puddles of the roach spray. That’s when I saw it. Twitching and being all gross on my floor.

So I tried to be merciful and make him die quicker by spraying more gallons of roach spray. But it just didn’t work…..this little guy was a fighter.

I stood there and sprayed for a good 4 seconds, coming to grips with my Post Traumatic Stress Disorder when I noticed why he was wiggling and irritated. (Not that being poisoned is a pleasant experience, but I did expect that the little guy would finally accept his fate and give in) but as I looked down at this disgusting demon bug poor poor roach, I notice that he is pissed because he is trapped inside of a ball of Husky hair. No lie. Look:

My dirty house just saved my life!

Stay tuned for next weeks blog: Life with 4 dogs!

Sunshine, ‘Staches & Moles in weird places! Oh My!

What an odd title for a blog, right? Wrong. Not when you have a fauxstache.

When you are a woman, having a mustache is nolaughing matter. Especially when it is not really a mustache at all & only appears to be a mustache because you decided to enjoy the sunshine like all the other regular people but ended up with brown sunspots above your lips!! Which gives the appearance of a permanent stache!! It's a fauxstache!

I mean seriously, sun?? Et tu Brute??! I look like a man!

So like any self-respecting woman in my situation, I started googling a gazillion home remedies designed to lessen the appearance of my facial dark spots & made it a point to work in an explanation for my fauxstache during every conversation to every single person I talk to throughout my 10 year 4 month wait to get in to see a dermatologist.

Well the day to see my dermatologist was finally here today! Even though I often have reservations about seeing a doctor for any reason at all for fear of getting weighed behind at work, I was celebrating this appointment because the only thing I hate more than a scale being behind at work is a mustache!! Bless my heart!!

So I walked into the dermatologist’s office, and it was surprisingly empty. I guess this shouldn’t have been a surprise to me since I waited an eon for my appointment, but I had expected a line out the door with people sitting in lawn chairs on my way up to the check-in booth, but clearly the entire human race had already been in to see the doctor and I was the last person left…which was spectacular news!
I filled out my paperwork and fibbed a little on how much alcohol I drink during the week – because hey, wine happens - but other than that it was relatively honest and uneventful experience and I was called back 5 minutes after I returned the paperwork.
My scale fears were quickly laid to rest during our hallway procession to the examination room because they don’t care how much you weigh!! Party! This means that I can be friends with the staff and the doctor! I was all smiles.
Then we reach the examination room and my new bestie hands me a hospital gown and asks me to strip down to the bare essentials so the doctor would be able to conduct a full body skin scan. A little extreme given that we just met and I was there about a fauxstache, but hey – she didn’t weigh me so the least I could do was to get naked for her without complaining.
While I was waiting on the doctor and feeling the draft, there was excitement in the air at the hope of looking like a woman again soon, so I very enthusiastically welcomed my doctor as she walked into the room and tried to remain calm as she began my body scan.

So I apparently am a nervous talker when I get nervous and naked, so I started chatting about my fauxstache and how I couldn’t wait till we worked our way back up to the north side to talk about our game plan. I tried to play it off when I discovered that the skin scan included a search into my panties, I ended up blurting out 'Be careful! I'm on my period!!' , quickly followed with an ‘OMG!! I did NOT just say that’ and then followed that up with a ‘well I would have wanted to know’. So while the doctor is cracking up and I am dying of embarrassment she asks me if I knew about the abnormal mole on my butt, which I laughed off until I realized she wasn’t joking and then proceeded to say ‘I have what on my butt!! Are you joking? Well how did that get there? What makes it abnormal? What’s wrong with it?? Maybe it just doesn’t know what it is supposed to look like since it’s always in the dark.’ (I then laughed because I crack me up).
She laughed said it’s flat and dark but has an irregular shape and moved down to the back of my thigh where she found another one!! She asked if I was attached to my mole because she was going to need to remove it and send it in for a biopsy. I told her I was more attached to the idea of a butt mole than the actual mole itself, but she corrected me and let me know that it was my thigh mole she wanted but I really needed to have my husband monitor the mole on my butt. I said, ‘well given that he has never even mentioned this mole, I think its high time they met.’ Then she took a picture of it, numbed me up, let me see its selfie and then shaved it off right there!
Good Heavens! With all the trauma I had almost forgotten about my stache!! She recommended a bleaching cream mixed with Retinol that could lighten all my dark spots within a few months!! Not happy about it being a few months but totally excited that eventually this lady won’t look like a dude!!

My advice for anyone out there struggling with a fauxstache –don’t trust that the sun won’t make a man out of you and make your appointment 5 years ago!

#agingsucks #buttmoles #fauxstache