When you are a woman, having a mustache is nolaughing matter. Especially when it is not really a mustache at all & only appears to be a mustache because you decided to enjoy the sunshine like all the other regular people but ended up with brown sunspots above your lips!! Which gives the appearance of a permanent stache!! It's a fauxstache!
I mean seriously, sun?? Et tu Brute??! I look like a man!
So like any self-respecting woman in my situation, I started googling a gazillion home remedies designed to lessen the appearance of my facial dark spots & made it a point to work in an explanation for my fauxstache during every conversation to every single person I talk to throughout my
Well the day to see my dermatologist was finally here today! Even though I often have reservations about seeing a doctor for any reason at all for fear of getting
So I walked into the dermatologist’s office, and it was surprisingly empty. I guess this shouldn’t have been a surprise to me since I waited an eon for my appointment, but I had expected a line out the door with people sitting in lawn chairs on my way up to the check-in booth, but clearly the entire human race had already been in to see the doctor and I was the last person left…which was spectacular news!
I filled out my paperwork and fibbed a little on how much alcohol I drink during the week – because hey, wine happens - but other than that it was relatively honest and uneventful experience and I was called back 5 minutes after I returned the paperwork.
My scale fears were quickly laid to rest during our hallway procession to the examination room because they don’t care how much you weigh!! Party! This means that I can be friends with the staff and the doctor! I was all smiles.
Then we reach the examination room and my new bestie hands me a hospital gown and asks me to strip down to the bare essentials so the doctor would be able to conduct a full body skin scan. A little extreme given that we just met and I was there about a fauxstache, but hey – she didn’t weigh me so the least I could do was to get naked for her without complaining.
While I was waiting on the doctor and feeling the draft, there was excitement in the air at the hope of looking like a woman again soon, so I very enthusiastically welcomed my doctor as she walked into the room and tried to remain calm as she began my body scan.
So I apparently am a nervous talker when I get nervous and naked, so I started chatting about my fauxstache and how I couldn’t wait till we worked our way back up to the north side to talk about our game plan. I tried to play it off when I discovered that the skin scan included a search into my panties, I ended up blurting out 'Be careful! I'm on my period!!' , quickly followed with an ‘OMG!! I did NOT just say that’ and then followed that up with a ‘well I would have wanted to know’. So while the doctor is cracking up and I am dying of embarrassment she asks me if I knew about the abnormal mole on my butt, which I laughed off until I realized she wasn’t joking and then proceeded to say ‘I have what on my butt!! Are you joking? Well how did that get there? What makes it abnormal? What’s wrong with it?? Maybe it just doesn’t know what it is supposed to look like since it’s always in the dark.’ (I then laughed because I crack me up).
She laughed said it’s flat and dark but has an irregular shape and moved down to the back of my thigh where she found another one!! She asked if I was attached to my mole because she was going to need to remove it and send it in for a biopsy. I told her I was more attached to the idea of a butt mole than the actual mole itself, but she corrected me and let me know that it was my thigh mole she wanted but I really needed to have my husband monitor the mole on my butt. I said, ‘well given that he has never even mentioned this mole, I think its high time they met.’ Then she took a picture of it, numbed me up, let me see its selfie and then shaved it off right there!
Good Heavens! With all the trauma I had almost forgotten about my stache!! She recommended a bleaching cream mixed with Retinol that could lighten all my dark spots within a few months!! Not happy about it being a few months but totally excited that eventually this lady won’t look like a dude!!
My advice for anyone out there struggling with a fauxstache –don’t trust that the sun won’t make a man out of you and make your appointment 5 years ago!
#agingsucks #buttmoles #fauxstache
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