HYPOCRISY - IT'S NOT JUST YO MAMA'S PROBLEM ANYMORE

I’ve never been a very political person, but being a concerned citizen of our great country, I’d like to share some things I've learned from the Hollywood scandal. So grab some popcorn and try not to get your panties in a wad.

1. This Weinstein scandal only further confirms that influential people have the ability to control the media. NO ONE should have the power to tell a news reporter what or what not to publish....and when entertainers such as Matt Damon or Russell Crowe are successful in pulling it off, you would have to be a complete nitwit to think politicians (of all parties) do not, are not, and have not done this. When the news we see can be manipulated - we should all be concerned, regardless of political affiliation.

2. Every time something is happening that should concern American citizens....the news gets preoccupied with another topic which completely dominates the limelight. When was the last Las Vegas massacre update you heard?? It’s like an Easter egg hunt trying to find updates on it because all news stations, social media outlets and radio shows are preoccupied with the Weinstein scandal. Weinstein’s behavior was widely known in Hollywood for decades!! How convenient for it to be ‘breaking news’ just one or two days after all the inconsistencies in the Vegas massacre were starting to be noticed. I don’t know if Weinstein was just a lamb to the slaughter to distract us from more sinister and disturbing news, or if Hollywood *just now* decided to grow a conscience (even if it did happen on the coattails of a tragedy and basically overshadowed the victims of the Vegas shootings). But either way. That timing though.

3. Hollywood film stars, who are made famous by their uncanny ability to convincingly portray a wide variety of different complex characters found in their scripts, should NOT be who Americans turn to for political, personal or spiritual advice. I totally get that they are believable, beloved household faces….some whose faces we see more often than our own family members…but that doesn't mean you can trust them!! They are highly paid human beings who are great at faking emotions, opinions, outrage & a multitude of diverse personalities in front of a crowd, for profit. I mean seriously y’all, they literally make a living by pretending to be someone else! To have a platform, and then use it preach to the public about gun control (while relying on armed guards for their safety), misogyny & sexual abuse (while protecting their own perpetrators for decades) & then try to shame half the country because they do not agree with who they exercised their freedom to vote for as our president is laughable. The Weinstein scandal should prove to you that they don't care about what's wrong or right....they are all about money & power. The excuses I’ve heard about being “afraid” that they wouldn't be able to work again in the industry, are lame. If you are so against this type of behavior, why would you want to work in that industry? How about standing up to that type of behavior, going public about the perpetrators and if you can’t find work in Hollywood go get a normal job like the rest of us….or is it beneath you to work hard and earn a modest, yet honest living? Don't preach to me during your women's march on D.C. about Trump, whom many elected bc of the promise of creating more American jobs so they can put food on *their* tables, all while covering up literally countless acts of these types of crimes from men whom you protected and kept silent about because you were trying to put food on *your* table. Oh and let’s not forget the fact that Bill Clinton, an alleged rapist, was elected twice despite his shady reputation, then disgraced the oval office with Monica Lewinsky which brought the shame on the entire country and ruined cigars forever then went on to be awarded with the Presidential Medal of Freedom from Obama, without a peep of disapproval from Hollywood. REALLY?

4. Thousands of women (& men) come forward all the time with accusations of rape & sexual harassment. But to keep it specific to high profile cases, let’s start with the following:
• Corey Feldman - who bravely disclosed personal stories about powerful Hollywood men who raped and assaulted kids in the industry and bravely came forward to tell the world that Hollywood’s biggest problem was pedophilia- yet he was told by Barbara Walters that he was damaging an entire industry, and after telling authorities, he was issued a gag order and has been unable to publicly expose the perpetrators without being arrested himself, for the crimes of others. No one was ever punished. And no one from Hollywood came to Feldman’s defense.
• Anita Hill who accused Clarence Thomas of sexual harassment, and even took a lie detector test to prove it, while Thomas opted out, and her results were deemed “unreliable” even though they were consistent with her story, but she still ended up being discredited, and then Thomas was elected to the U.S. Supreme Court. Where was the outrage from Hollywood?
• Juanita Broaddrick, Paula Jones,Kathleen Willey - all accused Bill Clinton of sexual harassment / rape…we all know those stories well yet we elected him president (twice!) .... he then went on to act inappropriately while president with the young Monica Lewinsky... but Bill Clinton is a hero to the Democrats....even with documented proof of his creepy trips to a place nicknamed “orgy island” with a convicted child sex offender!
• Hillary Clinton - besides hanging out with some seriously creepy perps & being married to one on the recommendation that Mahlon Gibson, a Washington county prosecutor, gave to Judge Maupin Cummings because apparently the accused rapist wanted a woman lawyer to defend him, fought for and won the case against a 12 year old child who had accused him of rape. In her book “Living History,” Clinton even said the following “I told Mahlon I really didn’t feel comfortable taking on such a client, but Mahlon gently reminded me that I couldn’t very well refuse the judge’s request.” Yes - God forbid you put the feelings and well-being of a 12 year old little girl in front of a powerful judge, Hillary, especially since you are such a champion of women's rights and protecting the innocent.

5. So now....Hollywood actresses are deciding to come forward with literally decade’s worth of stories, the #metoo movement is all the craze, which means we are now supposed to honor them all for being so brave. Even if I overlook the fact that most waited 20+ years to come forward, they are now doing so with tons of support from their colleagues and the media, which has started a bandwagon effect & makes it look more trendy than brave. In my opinion it would have been a lot braver to come forward and expose the sicko’s when no one else was. But why now? Was Hollywood so upset that Trump won, despite the allegations against him and the efforts that were taken to write him off as a misogynistic pig? We all heard countless numbers of celebrities speak out on Trump’s behavior during the Women’s march on Washington, which happened IMMEDIATELY following his inauguration, but they are waiting decades to speak out on their own industry perverts? I mean, if they cared so much about these types of issues, why were they not rallying up and marching against the treatment of women in Hollywood? What do they have to gain by coming forward now? Because the timing of when they started to give a shit about sexual harassment sure seems iffy. Is this some type of effort to reprogram their approach on this subject so that they can more successfully sway public opinion on Trump when he runs again, so that more people will be outraged when new and improved rape accusations are brought up against him? And what about all the other women of the past who stood up all alone and accused powerful men of sexual harassment and rape? Do they get an apology from the world? What about the famous men who have been implicated in these crimes? Can Hollywood & co. admit that Bill Clinton was their equivalent of Trump?

6. I'm just gonna address the elephant in America. Anyone else think it's weird that Bill Clinton, a white man, gets away with his crimes and even gets a medal & Harvey Weinstein, a white man, freshly accused of dozens of sexual assault and rape charges - gets to leave the country for rehab, yet no left wing liberal is screaming about white privilege?

Ok I'll shut up for now. Keep your eyes open sheeple.
Lindsay.

YOU DON'T SPEAK FOR ME.

This will probably be an unpopular blog. Why? Because any female who is not pro-choice, pro gender-equality & pro feminist movement is dismissed and ridiculed.

Disclaimer - There are obviously multiple points of views out there - but this is my blog so it will be from my own 'married with children' point of view.

I am one of those crazy women that would have been more than happy in the 1950’s playing the happy housewife who cleaned, cooked dinner, baked pies, took care of the kids and made sure to have a cigar waiting for my husband when he got home. I would even probably have pretended to enjoy looked forward to rubbing his tired feet. I can’t even begin to imagine a lifestyle where those are my only responsibilities, and it was only up to my husband to work full time and worry about how to make ends meet. SCORE!

But this lifestyle can never be a reality for a lot of women these days due to feminist movements that advocated for women to join the workforce.

So women entered the workforce, and have continued to remain there... yet, still have the same responsibilities of maintaining home and family (because equality), which can be especially tough for single mothers, and women who have husbands that work offshore or away from the home a lot. Not everyone has been as fortunate in this department as I have been - so this is not me doggin my hubby ;)

I’m not entirely sure if over the years men decided they liked the idea of a dual income, or if the economy changed in such a way that made it necessary for women to have to work – but all I know is that in current times it is now expected & usually financially necessary for most women to work full time, even after having children and trying to raise their families. This of course has resulted in outrageous daycare bills that has major impacts on a family's bottom line. And for those who can't afford daycare, the infamous "latchkey kids", which can be dangerous on many levels but can also be bad because a kid who has way too much time on their hands and little supervision often spells trouble.

But anyway - there really isn’t much that separates a man and a woman in the workplace.

Except for salary, of course.
And title.
And Maternity leave.

I’ve worked in Human Resources before, and I can tell you for a fact that employers don’t love it when a woman announces that she is pregnant. Why? Because now the company has to worry about who will perform her job functions while she is gone, if she will even come back to work after her baby is born, and how many sick days she will use for the child in the future.

Keeping in mind that some women are single moms and do not have any help from anyone, or a woman has a husband who also works full time and doesn't have the flexibility to help....women now not only have to worry about maternity leaves, training a replacement, finding someone trust worthy & affordable to watch her child, having enough time off to care of her child when he or she gets sick, but now she also has to worry about looking bad to her employer because she has to juggle being an employee and being a mother. And don’t even get me started on the guilt a working mother has to shoulder when they start missing their child’s major milestones, holiday parties, & other functions, but most of all - having to disappoint their child.

So now women work full time…for less money, are full time mothers, & are more stressed out than ever.

Thanks Feminist movement!

Another wonderful thing we can thank Feminists for is the right to join the military. Although I personally have no desire to be a female in the military, I have absolutely no problem with women who want to join... until I'm lumped in with those women in the spirit of gender equality. So because some females wanted to join, now all females are at risk to be drafted. Even if it hasn’t happened yet, the talks are already there and it is probably just a matter of time before it affects our daughters.

While I’m sure that prospect thrills women in the feminist movement, it makes me furious. Why? Because these “Feminists” do not represent all women and they should NOT speak for an entire gender.

I’ve always been more than happy to have men open doors for me, I take it as a sign of respect and not a gesture that I am weak. OBVIOUSLY men realize we are more than capable of opening it ourselves, and they are trying to be nice! I hold doors open for people too, that doesn't make me a pig. I love when my husband or son takes out the garbage, because ew. I don’t want to mow the damn lawn, & I am not physically strong enough to do all the heavy lifting, so am more than happy to have a big strong man come to my aid. I would love to stay home, do laundry, cook, clean & look after my kids. I am a woman. I have no interest in being a man and doing manly things. I like manicures, pedicures, romantic comedies, pretty dresses, and being treated like a lady.

It is possible to be pro-women’s rights & NOT be a “feminist”. I respect the hell out of the women from the Women's suffrage movement, who risked it all to give all women the right to vote.

and I honor them by voting every chance I get.
No I don't think it’s fair that men get paid higher salaries, are more likely to get promotions, and don’t have to worry about the stigma that a pregnancy brings to them in the workplace. Although I would be more than happy to sit it out and let my husband climb the ladder while I stay home, since I’m in the workforce, I think it should be fair. Discrimination has no business in the workplace.

I think companies need better poilicies that allow for balance between work and family, including increased sick time for both parents, but especially for mothers. But that doesn’t mean I resent being a woman, or think every little thing that happens is an attack on femininity. So in the past, there were women who wanted to work full time, & join the military - which redefined expectations for all women....and now there are women who want the right to legally abort all their babies & advocate to diminish the differences between the men and the women – well, ok GO FOR IT…..but don't do it under the umbrella of a feminist movement. It isn’t fair to the rest of us women, who don’t agree with your views, don't share your same priorities and don't want to be directly affected by your “progress”.

I don’t think I’m less of a woman, or should have no say in women’s rights, just because I enjoy cooking a meal for my family, filling stereotypical female roles, and believe that boys and girls are different and should be treated differently. I don't think I'm less of a woman because I believe that the stereotypical female role is important and a lot of today's problems stem from adults who were neglected as children. I feel that the traditional role of what a wife and mother should be are every bit as important to society as tax free tampons. I resent the “feminist” women who tell me that I’m being oppressed and enslaved by societal stereotypes because I let my husband lead our household, or buy my daughter a baby doll, or because I don’t believe that abortion should be a form of birth control, or because I don't think it's cool to sign a girl up for boy scouts. I resent the “feminist” women who attack my belief system because it is different from what they believe. Women already have enough to worry about, but the fact that women are now being belittled & attacked by the “feminist” women who think they are somehow our superior in terms of morality is just hypocritical and sick. You can’t say you are fighting for women’s rights while attacking and shaming fellow women who don’t agree.

So while I think there are totally a lot of issues women should come together on, it's awfully hard to do when we are attacked for what we don't agree on. To all these women who keep trying to “speak for women” – shut up! You might be louder, more obnoxious and way more opinionated than I am ….but you do not speak for me. And even though there’s no chance in hell that you will ever catch me sportin’ a uterus hat...

I am still a woman, I’ve got my own opinions and I do NOT have to agree with you. There really should be another name for this modern day "women's rights" movement, because if you don’t speak for all women, then you aren’t speaking for women.

Oh, and I’m sorry you are a girl…but .there are medical procedures that you can take advantage of that will help you take care of that.

Longest. Blog. Ever.

So I’m just sitting here trying to understand what is happening in the world. Which can be a daunting task for someone who doesn’t watch the news, eat-sleep-breathe politics, or really like people talk to a lot of people.

I mean, where should we even go anymore for a legit news story? All I ever hear is that Fox News leans right, CNN and most other news sources & all social media outlets lean left, and you should definitely NEVER ask your friends or family what they think!

It is seriously a strenuous aerobic workout just trying to research one event.

So rather than stress myself out with all that mess, I’m going to try and make sense of it all from my own white privilege bubble point of view. Yes I was being snarky with that scratch out.

These days we live in such a politically correct, stuffy, and angry environment where someone is ALWAYS offended, outraged, and/or coming up with new and creative criteria that needs to be met in order for them to be happy. If you happen to disagree or have a different point of view from someone, you are called ignorant, if you are white you are labeled a racist or bigot, and /or told that your views are wrong and insignificant. We have all officially forgotten how to listen to and respect one another's opinion and have basically reverted back to a pre-school aged mentality when we used to bite, hit, kick and scream louder than the other person to get our way.

Regardless of the years we have all put in tip toeing around someone’s feelings, bending over backwards trying not to offend someone...

Despite all of the progress, compromises and accommodations that have already been made in the spirit of unity – conditions are just getting worse!

If you turn on the news, you will see a very DIVIDED America, where everyone appears to be fighting, name calling, belittling, vandalizing property, setting stuff on fire, kicking dogs and hurting one another!

Why is everyone so much angrier than they used to be? Were the statues and flags that have been a hot topic on the news lately put up JUST NOW during the Trump administration? No! Most have been up for over 60 years, which was way before I was even alive since I am 39 21.

Our country, like many others, has some pretty crappy history, and I am definitely grateful that most of us were not alive to witness it. However, the majority of the struggles from the past have already been fought and won. Take slavery for instance, it was already abolished because it was evil, and wrong! So why are we still fighting about it? It is no longer an issue!

I don’t know of anyone who has been a slave in my lifetime, or even my parent’s lifetime. We can burn all the history books, take down every statue around town that offends someone, and banish all the offensive flags you can think of, but NO ONE has the power to rewrite our history, so what are we really accomplishing?

We have already banned the confederate flag, taken down several statues that have been standing for over 60 something years and even banned Dukes of Hazzard re-runs off of TV, yet people are still not happy!

In fact, they are even angrier than they were before! It’s almost like that saying “Give someone an inch and they’ll take a mile” is true! Why are they still not happy after getting their way??

Because they are looking for happiness in the wrong places. Happiness doesn’t come from removing statues, banishing flags, or taking the Dukes of Hazzard re-runs off of TV. Happiness is a state of mind that comes from within and can’t be given to you by someone else.

I honestly feel like there are other forces at work here, whether it is politicians, the media, or whomever that are constantly stirring the pot, breathing new life and fanning the flame into issues that have been dormant, and pitting us against one another because they are working toward some unknown agenda. I mean the instructions for destroying our country are easily found in the phrase, “United we stand, Divided we fall”. There always seems to be some kind of tragic news that is meant to distract us from paying attention to the real issues! Example: Pig Virus, Ebola, West Nile, Global warming, Race wars….I mean what are they really trying to distract us from?

So I guess this is when you will start thinking I am racist or residing in an ignorant white bubble because I don’t agree with a multi-million dollar football player who bends the knee during our National Anthem, or think that it’s necessary to remove statues, ban flags, shoot cops, and erase all signs of what is an uncomfortable history to some. But you are wrong. I simply fear for a country that doesn’t embrace all parts of its history, both good and bad, learn from it, and learn how to move past it together.

Where are we headed?? Its flags and statues today, will it be history books tomorrow? It’s like George Santayana said, “Those who fail to learn from history are doomed to repeat it”. If we wipe away all traces of an uncomfortable history, how will future generations learn from our mistakes?

I might be white, but the only time I pay attention to color is when I’m separating darks from lights in my laundry room.

I was not raised in a racist home, I didn’t go to a racist school, I didn’t participate in racist sports and I wasn’t raised in a wealthy “white privilege bubble”, a term I have heard from so many of my liberal friends. Honestly I strongly dislike the term ‘white privilege bubble’ and all that it implies. If all white people live in a ‘white privilege bubble’, then are they implying that all African Americans live in a ‘black poverty bubble’? Because I know plenty of African Americans who have nicer homes, nicer clothes and nicer cars than the average white person. And just what kind of bubble would they put Asians in? I mean seriously, stop putting people in categories!

My white parents were hard workers who didn’t make hardly any money, and we struggled financially for most of my childhood. I’ve heard that one of my white privileges is that I wasn’t raised in the ghetto, participating in gang fights, & dodging bullets on my way home from school or work every night, but I personally find that to be an offensive stereotype because there are plenty of African Americans, Asians, Indians, etc. who were not raised in that type of environment either.

Maybe I am white, but everything I have today is because I worked my ass off to have it. Nothing has been given to me and I have the college loans to prove it. I have worked in Human Resources before, and am familiar with the diversity laws that have been put into place in order to prevent discrimination, and some of it I agree is necessary, but I can honestly say that I think we as a society pay way too much attention to race, which in my opinion, makes it a larger issue.

Do I think racism exists? ABSOLUTELY. Being married to someone of a mixed race, I am all too familiar with it! Do I think there needs to be strict laws for situations where racism is found and the perpetrator be held responsible and punished? ABSOLUTELY. Do I think that there are situations that may happen to a person of color that have been incorrectly categorized as racism? ABSOLUTELY. I also believe that the word racism has been thrown around so often that it has lost its meaning and people do not take it as seriously as they should. Do I think racism goes both ways? ABSOLUTELY. Do I think that the media reports events in such a way that they emotionally manipulate people and promote feelings of hostility and bitterness in others, which cause people of all races to resent one another, overreact and lash out at against each other? ABSO-FUCKING-LUTELY.

When I watch the news I get angry, depressed and lose all faith in humanity, so I’d say the first step to having any kind of inner peace and happiness is by TURNING OFF THE DAILY NEWS.

So, I totally realize that there is nothing that I can say or write that will convince someone who disagrees with me that any of my points are valid, and that is ok, I am not writing this to tell anyone what to think, but rather just to show another outlook on current events, even if it is in vain. I am just a girl, sitting in front of a screen, asking you to read her thoughts to try and understand where she is coming from.

and this has to be the longest blog EVER. OMG.
Later!
Lindsay

SO WHAT IF I WOULD RATHER BE IN THE KITCHEN MAKING SAMMICHES

I totally told myself I wasn’t going to post political thoughts anymore….. but have you guys life’d lately??
It’s like someone turned on the political oven and forgot to turn it off before they permanently left the house.

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When the entire world is regularly vomiting a colorful plethora of opinions all over you about everything under the sun, it can be hard only having like… 5 strong political opinions, like myself.

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The sad truth is that there really is no safe, neutral place to chill & express yourself anymore! I mean, seriously, have you tried sharing your opinions on Facebook lately??

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Have we really lost our ability to engage in healthy debates? When the sharing of one’s opinion results in being insulted, unfriended on and off screen, and people are afraid to comment publically on posts for fear of leaning too far to the left or right, I fear we have. Give me a break, people!

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What is happening to us??
Even celebrities are telling us what to think, and now I’m supposed to boycott certain movies to prove I love my country.
I’m un-American if I buy coffee at Starbucks, and I’m a deplorable homophobe if I eat at Chick-fil-a.
Seriously?? Can’t coffee just be coffee? Can’t I salivate over the delicious chicken mini’s and watch whatever movie I want without it being a political statement??

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Am I LESS of a woman because I don’t care if my tampons are taxed and I would rather be in the kitchen making sandwiches for my family than working a full time job and protesting what my wages are?

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Can't the world just quit telling women where their place is?
Maybe I'm being a little too blunt in this statement ....but the women's rights ladies telling other women that they need to join the "resistance" are just as annoying as the men saying we need to be in a kitchen. Whether you are adding bling to your spatulas or your latest vagina costumes - stop ripping into other ladies who don’t think like you and recognize their freedom of thought and choice. I mean....we all know we are smarter than boys. ;)

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NOT BY THE HAIR ON MY CHINY-CHIN CHIN!

Getting older sucks. Not only do we have to deal with gray hair, wrinkles, slower metabolisms and bladder muscles that have given up on life....we also get to sport goatees!

So there I was...minding my own business...trying to get in some critical online shopping while I was goofing off swamped at work....when I started to reflect on my life.

Do I want the L or XL shirt?
Will the L allow room for my boobs?
Will this flannel flowy look pair well with my skinny jeans & boots?
Will it make me look fat?
Are there any coupons?
Will the shirt arrive in time for my 2 week Texas winter?
Am I seriously the only person who cries at the end of Mary Poppins?

This was seriously deep stuff, guys.

That's when it happened. A simple 'thinking man' stance led to my discovery of an abnormally long, coarse chin hair!

"Well what is this?" I said to myself as I gently stroked my long, wavy new lock of hair.
That's when I remembered....."Wait, I'm NOT a dude!!"

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My heart was racing and I began to perspire as a multitude of questions flooded my brain.
Where did this lil guy come from?
How long had he been there?
How did the rest my baby blonde feminine chin hairs feel about this vulgar hair-erection?
Should I use conditioner on it?

'NO. NO!', I thought. 'I must fight the good fight! I will not go gentle into that good night...old age shall burn and rave at close of day but I must rage, rage against the dying of ... my femininity?' Ok so even I don't know where I was going with that one y'all. Just let it pass.
So clearly I had to find my tweezers ASAP.
My plan was to pluck away the hair in hopes of restoring the small shred of dignity I had left.
There would be no five o'clock shadows on my watch!

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I began looking in my office drawers because sometimes when I browse.....eyebrows....

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When what, to my wondering eyes should appear? Not one, not 2 but 3 incredibly dull tweezers!
Now if you've never plucked with dull tweezers, then you cannot possibly imagine how frustrating it is to alternate between trying to pluck an embarrassing chin hair, while hiding the fact that you are plucking an embarrassing chin hair as people walk past your office.

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I needed to remove it swiftly like the ninja on crack drinking a redbull. But that's just not the hand I was dealt. So I tried to pull it myself....and basically freshly shellacked nails = dull tweezers. So I had to walk around the office all day...looking left...looking right....covering my chin with my hand frequently like it was itching, while probably inadvertently drawing more attention to it.

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I carried on this way until I could make it home and pluck this hairy scoundrel outta my chin.

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I was happy to be back to normal and ready to move on with my life. Until I woke up the next morning with another one! It's like the chin hair had groupies and they were pissed off that I murdered their master.

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Clearly this is going to be an uphill battle for the rest of my life. Why? Because getting older sucks!

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I tell my daughters all the time....enjoy your youth because one day - you might just wake up with a beard.

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NEW YEAR, NEW ME.....BUT I STILL WON'T EAT RIBS. OR DRUMSTICKS. OR LOBSTER. OR ANYTHING FROM A BONE.

Well...it’s finally 2017!! I’m sure *that* brings a sigh of relief to all of the surviving celebrities…but for all the rest of us mediocre peasant field hands totally regular folks, it means it’s time for us to set unrealistic super fun resolutions that we don’t intend to keep will totally fulfill this time around!
After all.....who wouldn't be down to drink some 'New Year, New Me' juice? Sign me up!

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My main focuses for 2017 are to eat healthier and to try not to cuss so damn much. Which brings me to my point.

Fresh. Local. Young. Chicken.

*Tacky Sidenote: If you are anything like me….you’re going to want to take just a few minutes to appreciate the borderline psychotic nature of the title. FRESH. LOCAL. YOUNG. CHICKEN. Couldn’t someone have thought up a better description?? This one just has an 'animal-edition of Jared from Subway' kind of ring to it.

So believe it or not, I've intentionally managed to navigate through my most of my life without preparing or cooking any type of animal products with the bones & guts still intact. It just grosses me out. Ribs, drumsticks, bone-in pork chops, whole chickens, Thanksgiving turkeys...and don't even get me started on eating lobsters, shrimp and crabs who still can gaze upon you with their little black crusty cooked eyeballs as you are barbarically ripping the flesh from their freshly boiled alive corpses and chowing down on them with a side of melted butter.

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I just don't need the added reminder that what I'm eating used to be alive.

So you can imagine the look on my face when my latest 'gotta lose weight fast' diet plan involved preparing and slow cooking a fresh local young whole chicken.

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So in order to begin preparing the chicken...you must first remove it from the plastic stay-fresh sac you purchased it in. Now just to further reiterate what you probably already know....those sacs have ounces and ounces of yucky fluid (see very 'faint bc my Paint skills suck' yellow arrows)

this fluid is just waiting to spill out all over your fresh manicure, and that includes but is not limited to your finger that was just injured when the nail lady got a little too ambitious during her cuticle cutting. It didn't sting or anything but as the cold fluid drenched onto my open wound.....I almost started clucking. Maybe it was a fluke....but maybe it wasn't??



First step.....remove the Gizzards and Guts. GIZZARDS AND GUTS!? Barf! Oh, and guess where those are located. INSIDE THE BELLY OF THE DECEASED. I had to go in and remove the gizzards and guts. I HAD TO GO "IN". IN!! As in IN in! I had to go IN and pull out the guts.

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But I did find out my gag reflex is fully functional and operating at a high rate of speed. I basically have the gag reflex of a 25 year old. Not to brag. #toolate

After violating this poor dead chicken corpse.....I had to season it. I was happy to mix the seasoning in a separate bowl and stir....but then I had to rub it all over this bird. Have you ever picked up a fresh local young chicken? It's totally the size of an infant. I haven't held anything so tiny since I had my babies! AND there was no hair on the skin....so it didn't feel like an animal.

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I felt like a cannibal after rubbing down this small lifeless corpse and putting it over sliced onions in my crock pot. I had to leave and run some errands after putting it on to cook....but it messed with my head for like at least 45 whole minutes after the fact..as the following text will prove:

I was able to move past the trauma of chicken preparation and settle into my day. I did often think about the poor little guy when I rounded corners and smelled his lil body cooking...but I found it was bearable if I didn't look too often.

By the time he was done cooking....he looked like a normal well-adjusted roasted chicken and was actually quite tasty! (and low fat). Best part is I get to snack on the lil guy all week long...so I guess it wasn't all in vain...but I can definitely say I probably won't do it again. I still want to eat it though....so I'll just make sure I delegate the preparation next time!

HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE!!!!!