Roach Lives Matter. NOT.

Warning: I’ve included nasty gross pictures in this blog. If you, or anyone you love, is a roach sympathizer….you should turn away now and run!!!! (Or just keep scrolling).

So there I was, minding my own business and taking advantage of the precious few minutes I had to myself before needing to leave and pick my daughter up from Drill Team camp, so I thought I’d straighten up my atrocious almost spotless kitchen. The house was really relaxing and quiet as I listened to the rain fall gently outside and reflected on the ever growing pile of laundry and an amazing amount of Husky hair that was in desperate need of vacuuming my clean home.

And then it happened. I innocently reached up to put a container of sea salt away in the cabinet above the microwave and to my surprise – I saw a nasty HUGE gross disgusting roach making love to a bottle of Madagascar Vanilla!!! OMG!!! The roach didn’t seem to take notice of my presence, despite my horrific gasp and blood curling scream….and in all honesty I can totally understand why because it really is some pretty tasty vanilla.

Now if you don’t know about Texas roaches, allow me to enlighten you. They fly. That’s right! THEY. FLY. !!!!! It’s an abomination! It goes against nature and everything else I believe in! These revolting little creatures are the Devil’s messengers and I had to take it out and before it flew off to other spices in my cabinet! That lil tidbit should make it a lot easier for you to stomach the rest of this story.

So after I scream, I back away slowly after spending way too much time watching this thing gettin’ down and dirty with MY precious vanilla bottle. I was still facing them, squatting carefully and not breaking eye contact - while trying to find some bug spray under the sink with my peripheral vision.

I was actually quite impressed with my squat – thanks to my new strength training class – and was feeling a little James Bond-y as I grabbed the Roach spray and proceeded on with my mission. I was so thankful that the roach was completely oblivious to what was going on around him as I made my move. I slowly lifted the can of roach spray and unleashed fury!! I screamed and laughed and sprayed like my life depended on it!
GRAPHIC CRIME SCENE PICTURES BELOW:

I know what you are thinking. What a poor little roach … just minding his own business and then gets wrongly sprayed down and killed. Well you’re right…..about everything except the killed part!! He didn’t die!! That sucker took flight after being doused in pounds of HotShot and came right at me!!!! I screamed….and ran…and swatted and sprayed and screamed some more….and then I realized that I lost him!!!
Was he alive? Was he dead? Was my roach spray expired? Good grief the possibilities were endless!! The only thing I knew was that I would not step on it if I saw it because I just can’t handle the crunch sound, so I knew that if my spray was no good, I was a goner. This thing had a thirst for blood!! And vanilla.
I snuck around the corner and scouted out the area very carefully….making sure I didn’t slip in any puddles of the roach spray. That’s when I saw it. Twitching and being all gross on my floor.

So I tried to be merciful and make him die quicker by spraying more gallons of roach spray. But it just didn’t work…..this little guy was a fighter.

I stood there and sprayed for a good 4 seconds, coming to grips with my Post Traumatic Stress Disorder when I noticed why he was wiggling and irritated. (Not that being poisoned is a pleasant experience, but I did expect that the little guy would finally accept his fate and give in) but as I looked down at this disgusting demon bug poor poor roach, I notice that he is pissed because he is trapped inside of a ball of Husky hair. No lie. Look:

My dirty house just saved my life!

Stay tuned for next weeks blog: Life with 4 dogs!

Sunshine, ‘Staches & Moles in weird places! Oh My!

What an odd title for a blog, right? Wrong. Not when you have a fauxstache.

When you are a woman, having a mustache is nolaughing matter. Especially when it is not really a mustache at all & only appears to be a mustache because you decided to enjoy the sunshine like all the other regular people but ended up with brown sunspots above your lips!! Which gives the appearance of a permanent stache!! It's a fauxstache!

I mean seriously, sun?? Et tu Brute??! I look like a man!

So like any self-respecting woman in my situation, I started googling a gazillion home remedies designed to lessen the appearance of my facial dark spots & made it a point to work in an explanation for my fauxstache during every conversation to every single person I talk to throughout my 10 year 4 month wait to get in to see a dermatologist.

Well the day to see my dermatologist was finally here today! Even though I often have reservations about seeing a doctor for any reason at all for fear of getting weighed behind at work, I was celebrating this appointment because the only thing I hate more than a scale being behind at work is a mustache!! Bless my heart!!

So I walked into the dermatologist’s office, and it was surprisingly empty. I guess this shouldn’t have been a surprise to me since I waited an eon for my appointment, but I had expected a line out the door with people sitting in lawn chairs on my way up to the check-in booth, but clearly the entire human race had already been in to see the doctor and I was the last person left…which was spectacular news!
I filled out my paperwork and fibbed a little on how much alcohol I drink during the week – because hey, wine happens - but other than that it was relatively honest and uneventful experience and I was called back 5 minutes after I returned the paperwork.
My scale fears were quickly laid to rest during our hallway procession to the examination room because they don’t care how much you weigh!! Party! This means that I can be friends with the staff and the doctor! I was all smiles.
Then we reach the examination room and my new bestie hands me a hospital gown and asks me to strip down to the bare essentials so the doctor would be able to conduct a full body skin scan. A little extreme given that we just met and I was there about a fauxstache, but hey – she didn’t weigh me so the least I could do was to get naked for her without complaining.
While I was waiting on the doctor and feeling the draft, there was excitement in the air at the hope of looking like a woman again soon, so I very enthusiastically welcomed my doctor as she walked into the room and tried to remain calm as she began my body scan.

So I apparently am a nervous talker when I get nervous and naked, so I started chatting about my fauxstache and how I couldn’t wait till we worked our way back up to the north side to talk about our game plan. I tried to play it off when I discovered that the skin scan included a search into my panties, I ended up blurting out 'Be careful! I'm on my period!!' , quickly followed with an ‘OMG!! I did NOT just say that’ and then followed that up with a ‘well I would have wanted to know’. So while the doctor is cracking up and I am dying of embarrassment she asks me if I knew about the abnormal mole on my butt, which I laughed off until I realized she wasn’t joking and then proceeded to say ‘I have what on my butt!! Are you joking? Well how did that get there? What makes it abnormal? What’s wrong with it?? Maybe it just doesn’t know what it is supposed to look like since it’s always in the dark.’ (I then laughed because I crack me up).
She laughed said it’s flat and dark but has an irregular shape and moved down to the back of my thigh where she found another one!! She asked if I was attached to my mole because she was going to need to remove it and send it in for a biopsy. I told her I was more attached to the idea of a butt mole than the actual mole itself, but she corrected me and let me know that it was my thigh mole she wanted but I really needed to have my husband monitor the mole on my butt. I said, ‘well given that he has never even mentioned this mole, I think its high time they met.’ Then she took a picture of it, numbed me up, let me see its selfie and then shaved it off right there!
Good Heavens! With all the trauma I had almost forgotten about my stache!! She recommended a bleaching cream mixed with Retinol that could lighten all my dark spots within a few months!! Not happy about it being a few months but totally excited that eventually this lady won’t look like a dude!!

My advice for anyone out there struggling with a fauxstache –don’t trust that the sun won’t make a man out of you and make your appointment 5 years ago!

#agingsucks #buttmoles #fauxstache

Kale Chips and Death. A Novella.

Ok I was told that I am on Facebook wayyyy too much and that it has become laughable at this point (can you hear my eyes rolling at you Drew?) so anyway, it occurred to me…..I have a lot of meaningless thoughts to purge that are in no way relevant to the book I’ve been working on, so I should blog. Blogging is an outlet for me and my poor grammar – so scoot along if you are here to critique.

There are many reasons I have a phobia about going to the doctor:
A. They judge my poor life choices with diet and exercise and steal my joy.

B. They weigh me.

C. They have needles and sometimes poke me with them. Ew.

D. They might tell me that my poor life choices have resulted in my untimely demise.

E. They weigh me.

So as you can see, I have several very valid reasons why I have not gone to the doctor to get a checkup on some nuisances going on in my tummy for a while. Besides, who needs to go to the doctor when you have WebMD Symptom Checker?? I simply input my symptoms and bam! I could potentially have anything from an ingrown toenail to stage 4 cancer!

So, as a reasonably educated woman, I have employed my own sort of 'scratch off' list as I have explored a few options over the past year few weeks. A process of elimination, if you will, because I have felt fairly confident that I can self diagnose & treat myself with the best of them.

I have ignored the problem until it should have gone away...

which has been working great...until it comes back a few minutes later.

I have treated my symptoms as instructed by the internet’s finest professionals.

You'll want lots of toilet paper and nearby restrooms for this option.

I have tried to change my diet and exercise habits. Which would probably work a lot better if you avoid EVERYTHING YOU HOLD DEAR.

I actually have been in this phase for a while. Plus a little Red Wine.

I could go to the doctor. Clearly my last option has not yet been exercised for reasons already stated.

So as I sit here...snacking on Kale Chips, drinking hot water infused with Apple Cider Vinegar & Lemon juice whilst trying not to gag, and shoveling Red Hots in my mouth...because I'm all about BALANCE....I am gradually coming to terms with the fact that maybe it's time I go to the doctor...even if I have to get weighed though it goes against everything I believe in. I mean, seriously, I should be able to cure any ailments I have just by eating these nasty Kale Chips! It's basically the same thing as working out with the added benefit of having super healthy green stuff stuck in your teeth to enjoy later!

Ok. I am done whining.

Money Is The Root Of All Evil. And Maybe Youth Sports.

THIS IS FROM 2/12/2014 - TRYING TO PUT ALL MY BLOGS TO ONE SITE :) STILL FEEL THIS ONE IS RELEVANT!

I usually like to add a short disclaimer to all my potentially offensive rants statements because I am allergic to confrontation and don’t like to upset anyone. *However* over the past 2 years – I have been beaten up, had all my eyelashes removed, dragged through the mud, and someone stole all my money, AND I developed an allergy to gluten. Ok not really. I’m nothing if not dramatic at times. But it really does feel like all of the above has happened to my insides. Everything except for the gluten thing…. that’s just my poor follow through on dieting.

I guess what I am trying to say is that the last few years of being put through a lot of “less than ideal” situations, has really opened my eyes to the fact that it is impossible getting harder and harder to be a peacemaker in a world full of assholes chaos. You can't make everyone happy because everyone is responsible for their own happiness.

I guess that eventually everyone comes to a point in their lives when you have to take a stand for what you believe in, even if it upsets the people around you.

Life, if you think about it, is really just a series of tests that we are all put through in order for the good Lord to teach us something. If we are really smart – we just might actually figure out what that is! Most of us, however, have to repeatedly be given the same test over and over. And over. (And over). until we learn what it is we are supposed to learn.

Although I absolutely, sincerely and ardently adore children, sports, and children involved in sports… I feel that youth sports organizations can absolutely bring out the worst in people. And by people I mean parents. I am going to just throw it out there that this doesn't only apply to football. I’m much too sport savvy for that kind of one-sidedness. I’m throwing it all under the bus…football, baseball, basketball, wrestling, cheer, drill team, coloring, painting with a twist…people be crazy!

*New Parents- I’m sorry to break it to you this way – but you were supposed to have enrolled your babies in some type of sports development program AT LEAST by the time you were 6 months pregnant…..because the time for your child to learn a sport is NOT when they are out of the womb and on a team for the first time…they should have already mastered that shit before you meet them.

Now don’t get me wrong…. I have had many pleasant experiences both with volunteering & coaching cheer through both with the CFSA with my oldest daughter, while my husband coached Ryan’s football teams & even a baseball team, and now.

That being said, I will honestly say that the past few years have literally made me rethink whether or not I will ever be signing myself up to volunteer…. like, EVER again. I’ve had to ask myself why this is several times. Am I being too sensitive and taking things too personally? Surely these parents realize that we both have a full time job, a household to run, and 3 kids with ungodly amounts of homework, right? OH and that we are FREELY GIVING them our time for the same cost as they incur for the same activity ….at the expense of our own family….and that we are not in the professional coaching or volunteering business. They know this, right?

Well. Maybe they don’t.

Maybe they don’t realize that we wake up at 5:00 AM, get ready for work, deal with the REAL WORLD and our bosses, colleagues & things that actually pay the bills, then sit in the same rush hour traffic after an exhausting day when we just want to go home to our families and chillax…denied….we (okay Jason) get our butts ready to immediately head out the door to the practice fields …..without even seeing their spouse who hasn’t gotten home yet (not bitter), having to say to their own child – “No I can’t help you with your homework because I have to coach”, and then gets home around 8:45 / 8:30 PM on a good day….after practice ended an HOUR before – because he – I mean WE – stay behind to talk to parents about whatever it is that they are upset about … sorry to sound so one-dimensional – but this is the brutal truth…..and then when he (WE) do get home – eating dinner that is cold because dinner time was at 7:30…then going upstairs to kiss his baby girls (what? He has other kids?) who are ALREADY asleep because he misses them and didn’t get to see them at all today – and then does he get to spend time with the wife? NO – he is on the phone with coaches, more angry parents and goes to bed at like midnight because he is on the phone with the other coaches trying to address all the issues that arose during practice, who was pissed, what can we tweak…blah blah blah. I kept saying ‘WE’ earlier because when my husband is with all of your children, I am having to figure out a way to help both of my girls with their homework, get them to their activities & cook, laundry, clean, oh and I also VOLUNTEER, all by myself. I went ahead and dropped the WE part at the point Jason got home because at this point – I’m annoyed that I can’t talk to him about anything non-football related because he is on the phone with everyone else and giving his time to pretty much everyone OTHER THAN HIS FAMILY. Oh. And don’t EVEN get me started on non-practice days!!! While you are all sitting by the fire, sippin' on your lattes and enjoying your day off practice…..these coaches are STILL going at it with game plans, meetings, making signs, laminating play cards, researching plays, etc. and did I mention that he is still on the phone with angry parents and coaches ALL the time? All for a measly $0.00 in cold hard cash.

So. Am I acting like a baby when I see & hear terrible things being said about him (and all these poor dads) who are investing so much of themselves to your kids?

Maybe. But I deserve to feel sorry for myself…I mean seriously! Bless my freaking heart!

I don’t even really like to go to practice and enjoy watching my own child play because of all the parents huddled up together in corners with their pitch forks & opinions, whispering, working each other up, and making it an extremely uncomfortable place to be…. and if it's not like that then PLEASE consider how it appears when you are all congregated in groups away from everyone else. Oh and GOD forbid my child make a mistake – I mean - it's all OMG – DADDY BALL! Did you see that mistake – oh that’s some Daddy ball right there!! (Insert angry mob and phone calls here). Oh and just a piece of advice from someone who gets to witness what happens…..rather than spending time fixing the plays, watching game tapes & switching up where kids are put for the next game….those precious few minutes that are left in their day that would be going to your children are instead spent on the phone making sure the parents are ok – therefore preventing he and the other coaches from doing what they need to be doing to get ready for the next game. The problem with the cycle (in every detail) that I listed above, is that it does NOT stop.

I hate to break it to you – but this is LITTLE LEAGUE FOOTBALL. All of our kids might have special individual talents, & of course we all want to see our kids shine….but this is football…..football is a TEAM sport….if they don’t work together as ONE unit on that field….they will NOT succeed. Period. Everyone has to work together in the role that they are given…even if we don’t like it – because it benefits the TEAM. Our job as a parent, is to teach our child that there is no spot on that team that is NOT important! Even if they aren’t in the game – motivate your FAMILY from the sideline!!! Watch your spot and see if you can prepare yourself for when it's your turn out there - but in the mean time.....that is your family out there!! It’s not all about you! This is when it's time for them to learn how to be a team mate, a friend and a man! Unless you are whiny, selfish and want the world handed to you, then quit feeling sorry for yourselves!

Believe it or not – those other teams would LOVE to disqualify our team for violating the minimum play rule and walking away with the win….do you really think that the coaches would do that? Oh and if you are still convinced that this is all DADDY BALL ….. then let me put the above sentence in a way that you might understand……do you HONESTLY think that the coaches are going to sabotage the chance to play their sons and forfeit the game by violating this rule?

For all of you who don’t like the spot your kid is playing on the team…..if your child hears the people he trusts most in the world - his parents - giving negative feedback about that spot and bashing the coaches…do you really think that he is going to go out there on the field with his mind and heart in the right place to put his body in the line of fire, risk getting hurt and do his best in that position on the field?? Does your negativity empower your child on that field? Learning different positions on the team does NOTHING BUT IMPROVE YOUR CHILDS DIVERSITY! Do you really think you will be able to tell the football coaches in middle and high school where your kid is going to play? Do you believe that for one second that there is a “minimum play” rule in public school or IN THE NFL?

Have you all completely lost your minds?

How about instead of looking for things to be upset about – try looking at things from a different angle…..has your child learned the fundamentals from the game? Has he gotten better than the first day he stepped out on that field?

OR if you are still upset about how things are run on your team or in the organization….how about seeing if you can help by asking yourselves the following questions:

Am I doing anything to help the coaches?
Can I help in any other way besides sideline coaching?
You to the Coach: “I have some great ideas that I think will benefit the team!” (Be sure to make sure that you are not only thinking of plays that involve your son or where you think he should play or you will be a daddy baller and ain’t nobody got time for dat)
Am I properly motivating my son to feel pride for his team and play to his full potential EACH AND EVERY time he practices and plays games?
Have I ever said THANK YOU to any of these people who do NOT have to do this, but WANT to. For Free.
Would I be willing to shut my mouth and get out there and do what these men have done if all of our negativity runs them off and then show each and every child the same amount attention, love and respect (and playing time) that you feel you child deserves while having your “friends” turn on you and talk down to you because you are not doing it well enough?
What are the chances that my kid will end up as a NFL player. I mean, really? If the chances are good....am I being a good example and instilling a general respect for coaching authority in my child? Remember .... talent will only get you so far with the big leagues.....the rest is ATTITUDE baby.
Anyway. Maybe I’m a baby. Maybe I’m being dramatic. Maybe you agree with everything I said. Maybe you agree with nothing I said or maybe you just don’t want to listen. But this is my blog so my opinion is the only one that counts so why ya reading it still!?:)

Ok so I really don't want to upset anyone and am still struggling with my new bad ass lifestyle...so be patient with me. Here is the disclaimer that would normally go on top....but now it's on the bottom.....cause it's on its way out!. LOL. who am I kidding. Anyway - it is never my intent for anyone to ever leave my presence (even if it's just my words) feeling anything but happy and freshly inspired to adopt a kitten. I'm a just a wife, mother and friend who is tired of people being mad all the time. Can't we all just get along!!? Or at least be a part of the solution and NOT the problem?? Now don't get me wrong. I wouldn't trade my chaotic little world for anything....watching Jason be so involved in Ryan's life is fabulous and gives me unimaginable joy....until I see my people being hurt - then I start to write really long blogs.

END OF THE YEAR AWARDS :)

Ok – so here it is. As I sit here preparing for the end of another school year – I have been watching everyone brag be happy about all the various impressive awards that their kid(s) have gotten from school this year. It has been extremely tempting to want to slit my wrists feel bummed that my kids didn’t receive squat any awards, certificates or recognition for their achievements this year.

*For all the gossipers, drama mamas & troublemakers reading this (not that there are any – but I’m sure you know who you are if you are) – before you completely take what I just said out of context & turn it into an old fashioned game of telephone- let me clarify what I mean by this:

I am NOT at all mad at the school or school officials, teachers, counselors, gym teachers, watchdog dads, librarian, lunch people, tables, chairs, and so on. I’m only mad at the roaches. (That was a joke). I’m actually not mad at anyone at all – and believe it or not – I’m not even mad at my kids! (Insert shock & awe and loud gasps here).

*Before I go any further, I want to add a disclaimer here for all my pissed off offended friends who think I’m talking about them right now: rest assured – I am not – there have been literally hundreds of you posting stuff – and I’m sincerely proud of your babies!! *

As a mother, you tend to invest a lot of yourself in your children, and it is absolutely fantastic when your kids do well & are recognized for their efforts. But when they do poorly – we tend to get embarrassed and blame the dad, the teacher, their friends or the dog. LOL. Ok not really. (Well…maybe really).

Perfect Parents: Go ahead & give yourself a pat on the back & grab some popcorn because ima bout to say a whole bunch of sh*t that I’m sure don’t apply. When your child struggles – with anything – it’s really easy to think that you are the absolute worse parent on earth. Well – I do want to give all the normal parents a shout out to let us know that this is absolutely not true….I mean, seriously – have you watched the news?? We’re good. Oh, also – people only post what they are proud of and want others to see about their lives – and of course that is mostly happy positive things about their self, family or food (bc let’s face it – we ALL want to know what was for dinner and I don’t care what you say). I guess what I’m getting at is that no one should use what is seen on Facebook, or any type of social media, to compare their lives to because all these posts are just an illusion. Everyone struggles. No parent is perfect (don’t spill your popcorn). Every kid will not get recognized for their achievements or get an award for being awesome because the schools can only hand out so many awards and they pick based off of what benefits the school. All A’s is a standard that all schools should recognize – because it is difficult for most students to achieve. So kudos to the kiddos who achieved that!

Now that we have established that this is not an angry blog – and that I am not an angry mama – and that I am not bashing proud parents, or anyone from the schools – let me get to my point.

I know my kids won’t get an award for their types of accomplishments this year because their achievements are not traditional. In fact – their achievements are so extraordinary that the schools don’t yet know how to process their type of awesome & have yet to invent appropriate certificates for them! I like to pride myself in the fact that I’m not fake – and I don’t have anything to hide. So please, gather round as I recognize my kids for their achievements this year (snaps & drumrolls):

ASHLEY: Where do I begin??? ADHD seems to be a trend popping up nationwide in children everywhere, regardless of whether or not they have true ADHD. It seems like if a child learns at a different pace, in a different way, has a lot of energy or just doesn’t grasp the material taught in class - they are put on ADHD medicine. In fact, it happens so often that the children that legitimately have the issue are being compared and measured up against the others & thought abnormal that they don’t have the same successes with medication as “this child” over here - who went from A’s B’s & 1 C to straight A’s! (True Story). Well, we moved from Cy-Fair to Klein ISD for her because we heard that it was better for kids with her issue - & where medication is concerned, Ashley has gone through more than any child should ever have to. She has been put through every medicine known to man, and has experienced all their fabulous side effects, (mood swings, temper flares, crying, extreme weight loss, drug withdrawals, anxiety, depression, etc.) – Oh & please note: none of these side effects included straight A’s. In fact, she was such an emotional wreck, that she had a hard time relating to people, which made making & keeping friends very difficult because she was teased and picked on by the way she acted when she was merely having bad reactions from medicines & had so much going on in her little body & mind to process, I mean seriously - how the hell could she focus on grades?? (I will also say that Parents can be just as bad as kids.) Anyway – I forced you to relive that nightmare with me to bring you to her major accomplishment this year. When Ashley was entering middle school, we made the decision to TAKE HER OFF ALL MEDICATIONS, despite what the teachers and doctors recommended to us. BEST. DECISION. EVER. Over this past school year, we have watched Ashley blossom back into the cheerful, happy, sweet, un-complicated child she was before we started medication. Ashley has done better this year academically than her dad or I could have ever imagined possible – and all without the “help” of ADHD medicines. Did she make straight A’s? Hell no. But her report card contains the most beautiful A’s, B’s and C’s I have ever seen AND she passed both STAAR tests on the first try (which didn’t happen last year). She has worked her butt off this year because she CARES and that is all any parent should want from their kid. She made the school cheer squad, lots of new friends, and had a great year & I want to recognize her for EXCELLENCE IN LIFE & NEVER GIVING UP.

RYAN: (Probably the only one of my kids that might have actually gotten some type of award at school – I don’t actually know yet because I have a job and can’t take off work 3 different times this week to go to 3 different awards ceremonies – so I didn’t go to any – that why no kid will feel slighted). Ryan has always done fairly well in school – but has been having a hard time with math lately – and I’m thrilled that he also passed all the STAAR tests on the first try!! This boy makes us proud everyday & we love him dearly. Ryan hasn’t had the obstacles in his path like his sister has – and for that I’m grateful. Ryan will be starting Fifth grade next year!! Ryan is “that kid” in our house that everyone gets compared to – “Why can’t you be more like Ryan!?” or “Ryan didn’t do that”. Or “Well Ryan doesn’t need toilet paper”. You get it. Ryan – to you I give the EXCELLENCE IN MAINTAINING SANITY IN A HOUSEFULL OF GIRLS award. (you too Jason).

SUMMER: Lordy lordy. This little wild child is a pistol. Not everyone know quite how to take her at first because even though she is little, when she enters the room – she commands the attention of everyone else in the room. She is witty, hilarious, goofy, & incredibly infuriating *but* of all 3 of my kids – even though she is an independent, free spirited & energetic child that looks like she isn’t paying attention to anyone else around her - Summer is the most thoughtful of the bunch and would do anything for anyone. Although Summer gives her teachers a run for their money, she means well – I mean, trying to keep her in a classroom is like a trying to tell a bird not to fly. I’ve actually been somewhat disappointed this year that no one seems to recognize all she HAS achieved this year. No – she is not a straight A student – but that child ended the school year last year barely even able to read a sentence. She could pick out the words individually – but wouldn’t recognize it when it was in a sentence to save her life. Well – now she is reading independently and I don’t even have to help her with any of the words. She reads street signs – IS PISSED THAT PEOPLE KEEP LOSING THEIR DOGS & POSTING SIGNS ABOUT IT – and reads to me in the grocery store. This accomplishment – of all the things she has done this year that *do* come easily for her – this one is my favorite. No she isn’t quick at math - which is how they test your fluency – but dang it – she can do it. I don’t even have to help her anymore with 3 digit addition or subtraction and reading a clock!! No she didn’t catch on quickly – but she did catch on – and for that – I am proud of her. All she can do is improve and keep working at her own pace and learning in her own way – she’ll get there because she is not a quitter. Summer receives the EXCELLENCE IN HARD WORK, DETERMINATION & PERSEVERANCE award.

Ok. I am done.

EAT MORE CHOCOLATE

Because nothing does a body good like a good ole fashioned rant … and let’s be honest – very few things in life inspire me.

I’ll prove it to you and list them.
God. Food. Wine. Sandy Beaches. Music. Pina Coladas and getting caught in the rain. Good Books. Wine. Romantic movies. Random acts of kindness. Sales at my favorite stores. Fluffy kittens.

Well – ok maybe there are a little more things than I thought – but fluffy kittens don’t generally inspire any Pulitzer Prize writing material the way that judgmental hypocritical haters do. What is so funny is that I’m actually not even talking about anything that happened to myself.
I have this crazy awesome superpower called “Empathy” that allows me to get mad on the general public’s behalf. It’s BOSS. I’ve been wanting to use that word for about 6 months (happy dance).

Ok so here goes.

WHY are people hating about what people post on Facebook?

So Helga is 47, unmarried, lonely and wants to tell you that her meatloaf was sublime.

Or Fred has some weird affinity for nipple piercings and tattoos and wants to tell the world that he is unique and kinda creepy. Ok really creepy.

So what if Melva wants to tell us she is going to the grocery store…for like… the 8th time this week…maybe that is seriously the most exciting thing to happen to her since the Piggly Wiggly opened in 1938.

Who cares if lil Suzy got straight A’s for the 18th consecutive school year and Johnny is being recruited by the Mets as we speak because his batting average is legendary.

I guess what I’m getting at is that people need to chill the fuck out and quit meddling worrying about what other people do on their own Facebook page!!

If you don’t want to read these things about people – then WHY oh WHY are you friends with them on Facebook? If you have an issue with people posting details about their lives, then solution is simple. You need to increase your intake of chocolate. No really. Studies prove that happy people eat chocolate.

I’m not saying that I stop everything I’m doing, get up, twirl the dog around and kiss the floor when I find out that Helga has, in fact, created the world’s finest meatloaf….I actually do something far more exciting…..I keep on scrolling. Good for you Helga.

The world is jam packed full of people trying to critique, ridicule, embarrass and tear each other down.

No wonder there are so many unhappy people in the world that do TERRIBLE things to their fellow man.

We might not see the importance in Melva’s 18th trip to the grocery store – but guys – what if Melva doesn’t have ANYONE else to tell that to? What if this is her way of seeing if anyone gives 2 shits about her? What if this is her cry for help??

All I’m saying – is that people need to UNFRIEND, NEVER FRIEND, or BE A BETTER FRIEND to those around us and stop hatin’. Now go eat some chocolate.

Those who suck usually don't fall far from the tit

Ok. Maybe I'm back by popular demand....or maybe it was the sad look in my mother's eyes after I said the word "Tit" on face book....you pick....but the time has come for me to be able to let the free thinking flow and say TIT when I want to. so TIT. TITTY. Damn that feels good. No words. No judgement. Just me. Raw. Unedited. Made for E-Blogger. It all started when I posted a status on face book that said "Those who suck usually don't fall far from the TIT". Well come on people it's true. School shootings, school stabbings, throwing pancakes at cute girls, stabbing pencils into the arms of those who accidentally bump into them in the hallway. It all leaves me cold, upset, and hungry. If one more news update makes me stress eat I might go postal. And by postal I mean grab a handful of M&M's and throw them violently back into the jar because I can't eat them....I'm on a cleanse!! Wahhhh!!! Ok - clearly I've wandered from my point. Yes. I said Tit. But why did I say it? Because somewhere from breast feeding a precious baby and ... well ... life - grew an adolescent that thinks it's ok to go into school and murder his classmates; or has no problem chunking pancakes at a random stranger; or thinks that stabbing a classmate is ok because they "Pissed him off"; or thinks that jabbing a pencil into someone who said "sorry" for bumping them in the hallway is a great decision. How does that happen? How do these kids go from tiny helpless infants - to soulless monsters?? Is it Nature? Is it Nurture? Is it Grand Theft Auto? All I know is that Yes. I say the word TIT when I get angry. Because either they were violently ripped from the tit while they were babies and thrown into the woods to be raised by wolves.....or they were indulged and undisciplined as kids and grew into these fun lil demons with no conscience.....OR maybe they inherited the Asshole gene and they get allowance from pop for every kid he hurts. Bottom line....something is going wrong somewhere. I personally think that this is what happens when you kick God out of the schools....but I know plenty of christians with cute lil bundles of demonly joy as well. Ok - well I have to pee....so tata for now.