SO WHAT IF I WOULD RATHER BE IN THE KITCHEN MAKING SAMMICHES

I totally told myself I wasn’t going to post political thoughts anymore….. but have you guys life’d lately??
It’s like someone turned on the political oven and forgot to turn it off before they permanently left the house.

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When the entire world is regularly vomiting a colorful plethora of opinions all over you about everything under the sun, it can be hard only having like… 5 strong political opinions, like myself.

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The sad truth is that there really is no safe, neutral place to chill & express yourself anymore! I mean, seriously, have you tried sharing your opinions on Facebook lately??

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Have we really lost our ability to engage in healthy debates? When the sharing of one’s opinion results in being insulted, unfriended on and off screen, and people are afraid to comment publically on posts for fear of leaning too far to the left or right, I fear we have. Give me a break, people!

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What is happening to us??
Even celebrities are telling us what to think, and now I’m supposed to boycott certain movies to prove I love my country.
I’m un-American if I buy coffee at Starbucks, and I’m a deplorable homophobe if I eat at Chick-fil-a.
Seriously?? Can’t coffee just be coffee? Can’t I salivate over the delicious chicken mini’s and watch whatever movie I want without it being a political statement??

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Am I LESS of a woman because I don’t care if my tampons are taxed and I would rather be in the kitchen making sandwiches for my family than working a full time job and protesting what my wages are?

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Can't the world just quit telling women where their place is?
Maybe I'm being a little too blunt in this statement ....but the women's rights ladies telling other women that they need to join the "resistance" are just as annoying as the men saying we need to be in a kitchen. Whether you are adding bling to your spatulas or your latest vagina costumes - stop ripping into other ladies who don’t think like you and recognize their freedom of thought and choice. I mean....we all know we are smarter than boys. ;)

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NOT BY THE HAIR ON MY CHINY-CHIN CHIN!

Getting older sucks. Not only do we have to deal with gray hair, wrinkles, slower metabolisms and bladder muscles that have given up on life....we also get to sport goatees!

So there I was...minding my own business...trying to get in some critical online shopping while I was goofing off swamped at work....when I started to reflect on my life.

Do I want the L or XL shirt?
Will the L allow room for my boobs?
Will this flannel flowy look pair well with my skinny jeans & boots?
Will it make me look fat?
Are there any coupons?
Will the shirt arrive in time for my 2 week Texas winter?
Am I seriously the only person who cries at the end of Mary Poppins?

This was seriously deep stuff, guys.

That's when it happened. A simple 'thinking man' stance led to my discovery of an abnormally long, coarse chin hair!

"Well what is this?" I said to myself as I gently stroked my long, wavy new lock of hair.
That's when I remembered....."Wait, I'm NOT a dude!!"

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My heart was racing and I began to perspire as a multitude of questions flooded my brain.
Where did this lil guy come from?
How long had he been there?
How did the rest my baby blonde feminine chin hairs feel about this vulgar hair-erection?
Should I use conditioner on it?

'NO. NO!', I thought. 'I must fight the good fight! I will not go gentle into that good night...old age shall burn and rave at close of day but I must rage, rage against the dying of ... my femininity?' Ok so even I don't know where I was going with that one y'all. Just let it pass.
So clearly I had to find my tweezers ASAP.
My plan was to pluck away the hair in hopes of restoring the small shred of dignity I had left.
There would be no five o'clock shadows on my watch!

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I began looking in my office drawers because sometimes when I browse.....eyebrows....

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When what, to my wondering eyes should appear? Not one, not 2 but 3 incredibly dull tweezers!
Now if you've never plucked with dull tweezers, then you cannot possibly imagine how frustrating it is to alternate between trying to pluck an embarrassing chin hair, while hiding the fact that you are plucking an embarrassing chin hair as people walk past your office.

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I needed to remove it swiftly like the ninja on crack drinking a redbull. But that's just not the hand I was dealt. So I tried to pull it myself....and basically freshly shellacked nails = dull tweezers. So I had to walk around the office all day...looking left...looking right....covering my chin with my hand frequently like it was itching, while probably inadvertently drawing more attention to it.

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I carried on this way until I could make it home and pluck this hairy scoundrel outta my chin.

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I was happy to be back to normal and ready to move on with my life. Until I woke up the next morning with another one! It's like the chin hair had groupies and they were pissed off that I murdered their master.

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Clearly this is going to be an uphill battle for the rest of my life. Why? Because getting older sucks!

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I tell my daughters all the time....enjoy your youth because one day - you might just wake up with a beard.

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NEW YEAR, NEW ME.....BUT I STILL WON'T EAT RIBS. OR DRUMSTICKS. OR LOBSTER. OR ANYTHING FROM A BONE.

Well...it’s finally 2017!! I’m sure *that* brings a sigh of relief to all of the surviving celebrities…but for all the rest of us mediocre peasant field hands totally regular folks, it means it’s time for us to set unrealistic super fun resolutions that we don’t intend to keep will totally fulfill this time around!
After all.....who wouldn't be down to drink some 'New Year, New Me' juice? Sign me up!

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My main focuses for 2017 are to eat healthier and to try not to cuss so damn much. Which brings me to my point.

Fresh. Local. Young. Chicken.

*Tacky Sidenote: If you are anything like me….you’re going to want to take just a few minutes to appreciate the borderline psychotic nature of the title. FRESH. LOCAL. YOUNG. CHICKEN. Couldn’t someone have thought up a better description?? This one just has an 'animal-edition of Jared from Subway' kind of ring to it.

So believe it or not, I've intentionally managed to navigate through my most of my life without preparing or cooking any type of animal products with the bones & guts still intact. It just grosses me out. Ribs, drumsticks, bone-in pork chops, whole chickens, Thanksgiving turkeys...and don't even get me started on eating lobsters, shrimp and crabs who still can gaze upon you with their little black crusty cooked eyeballs as you are barbarically ripping the flesh from their freshly boiled alive corpses and chowing down on them with a side of melted butter.

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I just don't need the added reminder that what I'm eating used to be alive.

So you can imagine the look on my face when my latest 'gotta lose weight fast' diet plan involved preparing and slow cooking a fresh local young whole chicken.

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So in order to begin preparing the chicken...you must first remove it from the plastic stay-fresh sac you purchased it in. Now just to further reiterate what you probably already know....those sacs have ounces and ounces of yucky fluid (see very 'faint bc my Paint skills suck' yellow arrows)

this fluid is just waiting to spill out all over your fresh manicure, and that includes but is not limited to your finger that was just injured when the nail lady got a little too ambitious during her cuticle cutting. It didn't sting or anything but as the cold fluid drenched onto my open wound.....I almost started clucking. Maybe it was a fluke....but maybe it wasn't??



First step.....remove the Gizzards and Guts. GIZZARDS AND GUTS!? Barf! Oh, and guess where those are located. INSIDE THE BELLY OF THE DECEASED. I had to go in and remove the gizzards and guts. I HAD TO GO "IN". IN!! As in IN in! I had to go IN and pull out the guts.

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But I did find out my gag reflex is fully functional and operating at a high rate of speed. I basically have the gag reflex of a 25 year old. Not to brag. #toolate

After violating this poor dead chicken corpse.....I had to season it. I was happy to mix the seasoning in a separate bowl and stir....but then I had to rub it all over this bird. Have you ever picked up a fresh local young chicken? It's totally the size of an infant. I haven't held anything so tiny since I had my babies! AND there was no hair on the skin....so it didn't feel like an animal.

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I felt like a cannibal after rubbing down this small lifeless corpse and putting it over sliced onions in my crock pot. I had to leave and run some errands after putting it on to cook....but it messed with my head for like at least 45 whole minutes after the fact..as the following text will prove:

I was able to move past the trauma of chicken preparation and settle into my day. I did often think about the poor little guy when I rounded corners and smelled his lil body cooking...but I found it was bearable if I didn't look too often.

By the time he was done cooking....he looked like a normal well-adjusted roasted chicken and was actually quite tasty! (and low fat). Best part is I get to snack on the lil guy all week long...so I guess it wasn't all in vain...but I can definitely say I probably won't do it again. I still want to eat it though....so I'll just make sure I delegate the preparation next time!

HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE!!!!!

UNITED WE STAND / DIVIDED WE FALL

So I had been debating with myself on whether or not I should blog about the election issues….and had almost talked myself out of it, but because it’s been weighing on me so heavily I figured – why not? What’s one more opinion?

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It’s not like it matters much what I think anyway. From all I’ve been reading lately, white Christian opinions don’t matter if I chose not to vote the way that you wanted me to.
I’m just one person. One voice. One voter. After all, a vote for Trump means that I am a racist, sexist monster with no soul.

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As a nation, we have become consumed with political correctness, and in that process have completely shut out the voices and concerns of over half of our citizens.
The ‘silent majority’ of Americans tip toe around important issues, live in constant fear of offending someone, and remain silent- especially when we disagree on the subject matter.

Have you ever wondered why?

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Are we silent because, as a nation, we are encouraging an equal give and take of communication between our citizens?
Maybe our silence is because, we the people, are respectful and tolerant of our neighbor’s point of view, even when we don’t agree?
Or are we silent because we patiently hear one another out and try to understand where each is coming from and why they feel the way they do, without attacking them?

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No. We remain silent because speaking up typically results in being unfairly labeled, ridiculed, belittled and demoralized.
Which brings us to the “shocking” results of our present Election Day.

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Would the results of Election Day have been as surprising if we had given all citizens the opportunity to speak their beliefs without attacking or labeling them? Who knows!

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Election Day is really the only time a citizen can let their voice be quietly heard on issues that affect us all, without fear of offending someone, or fear of retribution. Voting should be a personal decision and privilege for each and every American. NO ONE should go into a voting booth and be in fear of what will happen to them when they come out.

I am a Christian white woman who voted for Trump.

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Does this mean I am racist and sexist? No.
Does it mean that I was 100% comfortable voting for him and think the things he says are totes adorbs? No.
Did I feel like I had another choice? No.
So before YOU tell me why I voted for him, how about *I* tell YOU the reasons why I voted for him. After all, since I am me, I think I know my reasons better than anyone else does.

For starters, I am 100% absolutely, completely, unapologetically and irrevocably AGAINST the legalization of partial birth abortions.

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There is not an argument to be had that can convince me that it is either necessary or okay to kill a baby up to a week before its birth!
We are talking about a completely viable life inside of a woman’s body, and I feel a moral obligation to be a voice for these precious little lives, even when their own mothers don’t want to.

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Although I strongly oppose all abortion, I can at least understand why some women might choose to go that route, depending on the situation they are in, but to wait until the 9th month is both barbaric and unforgivable.
As a mother who has carried 3 lives inside my body, I am horrified that any mother doesn’t see a problem with this issue. Feeling your baby move inside you in the final weeks before birth is one of the most special, incredible moments an expectant mother can have!

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There is absolutely no question that there is a viable life inside of you, ending that life is not an “abortion” at that point, it is MURDER.
To legalize this type of murder under the pretense that the ‘government is trying control your body’ and stand on the platform that the government shouldn’t be able to tell you what to do with your body, left me feeling a little cold and stunned. Why? Because, like it or not, there are 2 separate people and bodies we are dealing with.
When I listened to Hillary speak about this issue, I was speechless. Watch. https://youtu.be/XKp3k_8h8Qc
How could this woman and mother manipulate this issue and turn it into some type of power struggle between a woman and the government? How far is too far? At what point do we say, "THIS IS WRONG!" ??
I mean if a drunk driver kills a pregnant mother, it’s considered a double homicide!
Where is the consistency in our laws? Either the life matters or it does not!
We all gasp at the horror when hearing about new mothers throwing their infants in a dumpster with the umbilical cord still attached, so I ask you – how is this any different?
I always hear ‘what if the mother’s life is in danger?’ and to that I say, you would have known that way before the 9th month, and even if you didn’t – there are tons of medical advances, and btw it’s not 1890…C-sections are a thing now.
So does it bother me that 12 years ago Trump said he could grab women by their pussy? Not as much as it bothers me that Hillary wants to legalize partial birth abortions right now. Oh and if you don’t know what it really means to have a partial birth abortion - please go google for yourself. I can't even bring myself to display the heartbreaking images....but here is a picture:

Ok moving on from that subject!! Border control.

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Do I want to enforce our current immigration laws? YES. Does that mean I hate immigrants? NO.

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We are all products of immigration!! Wanting to enforce our current laws and have immigrants go through a process of becoming a legal citizen does not mean I hate them! It means I want them to become a fellow US citizen and share this great country with me...LEGALLY! What I don't understand is why it is such a horrible thing to speak about? How does addressing this issue make anyone racist?
Do I think Trump is an eloquent speaker? NO. But remember - he's not a politician and needs A LOT of work on his speech delivery methods.
Do I think it makes sense to have a wall at the border? YES. Why? Because there is no other way to control the flow of who is coming in and out of our country. Does that mean nobody can come in or get out? NO. Just do it legally! Pretty much all countries have rules about this! (that they enforce!).
Do I think Hillary used a Fear Mongering tactic in her debate when she said Trump was going to drive through your neighborhoods and snatch up mom and dad from home and deport them while their kids were asleep? YES. It was ridiculous.

Now I don't pretend to be an expert on any of this - but I guess what I don't understand about this whole issue is that if the people know they are here illegally, why were steps never taken to become a legal citizen? It's ok to break the law and be here illegally, but it is racist and wrong to enforce current laws and deport if they do not want to become a citizen or get a green card?? THIS MAKES NO SENSE.

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Radical Islamic Terrorism / Syrian Refugee crisis.
Is this an issue? YES. Does it mean I am an Islamaphobe? NO. Do I think that some really really bad people will try to take advantage of this program and sneak in? YES. Do I think there is any logical way that the government can screen hundreds of thousands of these people and know without a shadow of a doubt that they are not dangerous? NO. Do I think there is a better way to help? YES.
I agree with Trump - help them in a safe zone area OUTSIDE of the USA and supply them with food, medicine and protection. Why take the chance of bringing them here and putting our citizens at risk if there is a better way??

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I could go on all night - but my final point on this is that we don't even properly take care of our own Veterans - and I am sick and tired of taking care of everyone else before we take care of them. They have made the ultimate sacrifice and sometimes paid the ultimate price. They should be treated like the heroes they are and their families should be well taken care of before we even THINK about helping other countries.

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So am I scared about Trump being President? Welllllll I'm a little nervous.

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Do I think he can get away with all of the things people are worried about? NO. There are far too many of us to hold him accountable. Do I think he needs lessons in tact? Absolutely. Do I think Hillary was the better choice? HELL NO. And that is material for a whole different kinda blog. LOL. Do I think Bernie Sanders would have been a better Democratic candidate? YES.

So there is a brief summary of where I stand. And I am proud to be in a country where I can express my opinions.
I hope to also one day be able to talk with my fellow Americans and try to see each other's point of views and respect the right we each have to our own opinion without the name calling, belittling and pulling each other out of our cars and beating each other up when we don't agree.
I detest violence.
All Lives Matter. All Opinions Matter. NOW CAN'T WE ALL JUST GET ALONG??

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GEE MY BUG SPRAY SMELLS TERRIFIC!

You know - I wish I could tell you that I’m not sitting here sniffing myself….but that would be an outright lie. In fact, I’ve been sniffing myself for roughly 8 solid hours.

I guess that might sound kinda weird, but I assure you – it’s not unusual behavior for me. I can pretty much be caught sniffing myself or anything that smells good on a regular basis....but this weekend I hit the Nosegasm Jackpot!!

*Disclaimer: That’s right – I said Nosegasm and I don’t even care. It’s the only word that fits! Nosegasm, Nosegasm, Nosegasm! There – if my theory holds true, you should all now be desensitized to the word Nosegasm and have no further shock and awe at my colorful vocabulary.

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Before I share with you the intimate details of my Nosegasm…..let me first provide a little background information in order to set the mood.

I’ve been obsessed with smells for as long as I can remember!
This is me in deep thought as a baby, wondering where on earth that foul stench is coming from.

I'm sure by now you've already guessed that as a child I was a thumbsucker, but what you may have not figured out yet, is that I also used to wrap a chunk of my hair around my thumb so I could smell it while I sucked because it really just enhanced the entire experience. I would not be swayed from it. Although I did finally get shamed enough to stop outgrow this behavior, I can still remember the smell. And may have also developed a slight shampoo fetish which may or may not be connected.

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That being said, here is a little glimpse into my favorite nasal past times:

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*I'm the girl on the shampoo aisle, sniffing every single bottle of shampoo and conditioner in search of the perfect smell...which could change next week....resulting in 42 partially full bottles in my shower....which in no way whatsoever annoys my husband.

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*I'm the girl who smells every single candle in the store and buys 37 of my most favorite scents so I can light them simultaneously in my house, despite the risk of lung cancer. Because priorities. Fall Scents are out, y'all!!

*I'm the girl who enjoys doing the laundry because it means I get to experiment with all the different brands of laundry soap and fabric softener combinations and then smell everything fresh from the dryer, repeatedly, as I fold and put it all away.

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*I'm the girl who will smell my armpits all day long when I have new deodorant on. I will probably smell yours too if you ask nicely.

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*I'm the girl who will smell you, and I urge you to please remember this and practice good hygiene.

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I gave you a glimpse into the deepest depths of my soul in order to bring you very special and important news.

I stumbled upon the most magnificent smell EVER CREATED while in the Texas Hill Country on a surprise romantic anniversary getaway.

Awwww.

So what is this smell, Lindsay? IT'S CALLED AROMAFLAGE! If you're browser doesn't work with my fancy link - simply type in www.aromaflage.com
So I smelled it first in this candle display:

It was love at first smell. Well come to find out....it is actually BUG REPELLENT!! Like Citronella, without the Citronelly smelly. But guess what else!? There is a cologne spray.
Yes. I was overwhelmed with joy, too.
Not only does this amazing product keep the blood suckers away, but it also does a mighty fine job disguising itself as the most amazing perfume on the market!

I'm wearing it today. And I've sniffed myself at least 85,432,632 times.
Make that 85,432,634.

You have to come and smell me!!!! THEN GO GET SOME!!! And if you don't think it smells good - then you clearly aren't a seasoned professional like myself.

You should all know that I do not know the Aromaflage people and get nothing out of this blog, other than the satisfaction of knowing that you smell better and won't get West Nile virus. If that's even still a thing. However, if they would like to know me and give me free products (because it is slightly pricey and I have 3 kids, 4 dogs and a husband to feed) - I'm all about scheduling a meeting.

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Keep Your Hand At The Level Of Your Eyes!

There are some things in life that you just don’t see coming….but the zits that have taken up residence right in between my eyeballs can be seen clearly from miles and miles away!!

It’s a bird….It’s a plane….it’s… Lindsay the Cyclops!

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Do not run children! I will not eat you! The Seeing Eye is filled with love! (And pus).

It’s not like I’m an extremely vain person, but my body has obviously forgotten which stage of puberty I am supposed to be in. I am 38 years old!! I should be getting chemical peels, microdermabrasion treatments and filling my wrinkles up with Botox, not raiding my local zit cabinet!

I guess it’s time for me to face the facts that because I didn’t have hideous breakouts as a teenager, it’s my turn now... as an adult. I really have no qualms using OXY, or layering on that weird yellow camouflage correction goo that makes my zits look less like zits and more like abnormal growths…(by the way -NEVER google images of abnormal facial growths. Like ever.) anyway - having a third eyeball really changes a person. It’s just insulting!

I have to be seen in public….at work….with people!! I’m a professional, dammit! *Everyone* knows that professionals with 3 eyes are not taken near as seriously as their 2 eyed brethren.

My poor coworkers don’t know what to do when they talk to me. They shift their focus back and forth between my 3 eyes, not sure where to look

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Then pretend not to notice as they gaze with ultra-intense eye contact because fear blinking and accidentally catching a glimpse of it

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Finally they end up just avoiding direct eye contact altogether and look intently at their papers, the floor or the walls!

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I feel like I should grab a Phantom of the Opera mask and shout out, “KEEP YOUR HAND AT THE LEVEL OF YOUR EYES!” as they walk through the hallways towards my office!

*Unrelated Side note: Gerard makes that mask look trendy ;)

So here I am...contemplating life while I consider sitting on my hands to keep me from popping my pimples, and all I really have left to say is that these zits are keeping me young! You guys can all go purchase your anti-wrinkle serums....if you need me - I'll be on the acne aisle where the party *really* is. And I really really do bathe, I promise.

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Peezing. It's not just your Granny's problem anymore.

Today on the blog I want to discuss a subject that’s very near and dear to my heart….or should I say my lady parts. (Sorry….heart and parts rhymed so I had to go with it).

Before I go any further I want you to understand that this is a topic that affects all ladies at some point in their vaginal journey. Don’t let any of us tell you otherwise, because if a lady lies and says that she does not deal with this issue, she will activate an ancient curse that will directly impact her vagina and the vaginas of all the females in her bloodline! I’m not even lying. Ok – maybe I am…..it’s really just a hunch….no one has ever really tested this theory because EW.

Ladies spend a lot of time doing things that make us feel good about ourselves. We get routine manicures & pedicures, spend lots of money having our hair cut & highlighted, buy expensive perfumes, take lots of bubble baths & apply creamy lotions to make our skin feel its softest, shave or wax away all of our body hair so we feel less mammal-y, we have an intense regimen of makeup and lip gloss application before anyone is allowed to see what we really look like, and we wear clothes that we hope will make us look like Christie Brinkley from Vacation professional. I mean we really go through a lot of trouble to be the foxy ladies we are.

Which is why it’s an absolute insult that our bodies turn against us when we sneeze.

This morning after I showered, put on my lotion & makeup, fixed my hair, got dressed for work & squirted a few sprays of my favorite perfume – I PEEZED, while I was standing in the bathroom, looking all fresh

in the middle of a conversation with my husband. What, pray tell, is a peeze? A peeze is when you let out a little (or a lot) of pee whilst sneezing….and it doesn’t even require a full bladder!! So the hubby saw the funny look that crossed my face and asked me if he said something that made me mad...and I had to be honest and tell him that I wasn’t even listening to him because I just pissed my pants.

I am not sure if he believed me at first, but he could tell by the dismal look on my face that he should turn around and leave me with my dignity as I changed my outfit. I’m guessing life as a peezer is going to require lots of laundry soap and backup outfits. Really.

But really??? Dammit, I do my Kegels!! *Shakes fist* I didn’t even squeeze any babies out of that area – so what the hell, V?? When did you pick up this new trick??

As if we ladies don’t have enough to deal with already!! We have periods, cramps, babies that either get cut out of our bodies or squeezed through our tiny little holes….and NOW we have to also deal with the threat of unleashing Tropical Storms in our panties every time we sneeze!? Seriously? Bless our hearts!!

So I did a little homework on this subject – and it turns out the google scholars call it INCONTINENCE and it happens after we have babies or as we age. I don’t know if I agree with that term since I don’t go around peeing on myself all the time or with every sneeze. Peezing takes us by surprise & happens randomly - so I’m sticking with the term PEEZE.

So WHY am I peezing? Am I not doing my Kegels correctly??

How will I cope with this new development during allergy season?? Should I start wearing the “GoGirl” every Spring??

Should I add ‘Depends’ to the grocery budget?

Should I run to the bathroom and sit on the potty every time I feel the urge to sneeze?

Should I pack myself a diaper bag every day?

I challenge the experienced peezers everywhere to enlighten us with your strategies. Help a peezer out, here!

Sincerely, a concerned peezer who is currently performing very rapid and aggressive Kegels.